adBlockCheck

Secretary Of Interior Decks Smart-Ass Buffalo

Top Headlines

Recent News

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Secretary Of Interior Decks Smart-Ass Buffalo

Secretary Salazar lands a good, clean punch on the “wise-ass” quadruped.
Secretary Salazar lands a good, clean punch on the “wise-ass” quadruped.

LIMON, CO—Saying the 1,800-pound bovine had it coming, Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar decked a wise-ass bison during his recent visit to the Prairie Ridge Buffalo Farm, sources confirmed Saturday.

The prick buffalo reportedly exhibited a shit attitude from the moment Salazar stepped out of his car and began touring the ranch, his provocations eventually leading the secretary to coldcock the herd animal. According to witnesses, the bison loudly chewed on grass and sedges while he spoke, and grunted repeatedly, even when Salazar confronted him and said, “You shut the hell up, or I promise this won’t end pretty for you.”

Though Salazar warned the buffalo several times to get out of his face and go roam with all his little buffalo friends, the insolent herbivore continued to stare at Salazar, prompting the secretary to land a hard right cross on the bison’s jaw, knocking him unconscious.

“I said if he kept it up there were going to be two sounds: my fist hitting the buffalo, and the buffalo hitting the ground,” Salazar said after landing the devastating haymaker, which caused the bison to emit a pained groan, become wobbly, and then topple over. “If he had a problem with me, that’s fine, but he didn’t have to be a dick about it. Just staring at me, blinking slowly, and basically acting like a smarmy son of a bitch certainly didn’t do him any favors.”

“When he wakes up,” Salazar continued, “ask him if he’ll think twice the next time he decides to be a cocksucker and play his cute little games.”

Salazar, who visited the buffalo ranch to commend its owners on their commitment to raising grass-fed livestock, said the other bison were gracious and treated him with respect, never once embarrassing Interior Department officials by rubbing their horns against a fence post or rutting in public “like a goddamn idiot.”

Sources confirmed that Salazar now believes the buffalo wanted to cause a scene, and toward that end purposefully rolled around in dust and mud prior to the secretary’s arrival.

“For a second I thought the mature thing to do would be to take the high road and not stoop to that piece of shit’s level,” said Salazar, adding that the buffalo was out of his mind if he thought he could continue to jerk him around without getting his ass handed to him. “But then he started loudly gulping down water from his trough when I was trying to reason with him, and I was like, ‘Fuck this shit.’”

“I think I broke my hand, but it was totally worth it to watch that hoofed smart-ass go cross-eyed,” Salazar added.

Observers at the scene agreed the bison did indeed have it coming, and that it wasn’t a question of if Salazar would deck the belligerent grazing mammal, but when. Moreover, many expressed relief when the secretary finally socked the buffalo, saying the tension between the two was making everyone uncomfortable, especially after Salazar asked him point blank what the fuck his problem was.

According to officials within the Interior Department, this isn’t the first time Salazar has gotten violent with America’s flora and fauna. In February 2009 he kicked a hen in its beak for treating him disrespectfully, and in May of that same year he threw a beer in a tulip’s face when it refused to bloom.

During a visit to a wildlife preserve in Montana last June, Salazar got into an altercation with a mountain goat, but the two have since reconciled. Officials confirmed, however, that none of the previously mentioned species were asking for it as much as the buffalo.

“I was very disappointed in the behavior of my bison,” ranch owner Vernon Gregory said. “Truth be told, when he just stood there and pretended like Mr. Salazar wasn’t even talking to him, I was very embarrassed for myself, my wife, and all the other animals who went out of their way to treat the secretary with courtesy. If Mr. Salazar wouldn’t have laid him out in that pasture, I would have.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close