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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Secretary Of Interior Says Knocking Down Rocky Mountains Could Really Open Nation Up

WASHINGTON—Saying the renovation project will give the country a more modern look, U.S. Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell told reporters Friday that knocking down the Rocky Mountains could really open up the nation. “You know, if we were to just take out the Rockies, it would let in a lot more natural light and give those Plains states a nice, unobstructed view of the Pacific Ocean,” said Jewell, adding that demolishing and removing the 3,000-mile-long mountain range would also provide residents of Colorado and Wyoming with a more spacious living area. “Right now, it’s just so cramped throughout that whole region. It would make a huge change to the overall feel of the country if we were to just get rid of the Rockies. And then maybe we could finally do something about those Great Lakes.” The cabinet official admitted that tearing down the mountain range would be an expensive, long-term project, but said that she “wouldn’t be surprised” if the U.S. could get Canada to pay for half of the costs.

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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