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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Secretary Of Interior Says Knocking Down Rocky Mountains Could Really Open Nation Up

WASHINGTON—Saying the renovation project will give the country a more modern look, U.S. Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell told reporters Friday that knocking down the Rocky Mountains could really open up the nation. “You know, if we were to just take out the Rockies, it would let in a lot more natural light and give those Plains states a nice, unobstructed view of the Pacific Ocean,” said Jewell, adding that demolishing and removing the 3,000-mile-long mountain range would also provide residents of Colorado and Wyoming with a more spacious living area. “Right now, it’s just so cramped throughout that whole region. It would make a huge change to the overall feel of the country if we were to just get rid of the Rockies. And then maybe we could finally do something about those Great Lakes.” The cabinet official admitted that tearing down the mountain range would be an expensive, long-term project, but said that she “wouldn’t be surprised” if the U.S. could get Canada to pay for half of the costs.

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