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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Secretary Of Interior Says Knocking Down Rocky Mountains Could Really Open Nation Up

WASHINGTON—Saying the renovation project will give the country a more modern look, U.S. Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell told reporters Friday that knocking down the Rocky Mountains could really open up the nation. “You know, if we were to just take out the Rockies, it would let in a lot more natural light and give those Plains states a nice, unobstructed view of the Pacific Ocean,” said Jewell, adding that demolishing and removing the 3,000-mile-long mountain range would also provide residents of Colorado and Wyoming with a more spacious living area. “Right now, it’s just so cramped throughout that whole region. It would make a huge change to the overall feel of the country if we were to just get rid of the Rockies. And then maybe we could finally do something about those Great Lakes.” The cabinet official admitted that tearing down the mountain range would be an expensive, long-term project, but said that she “wouldn’t be surprised” if the U.S. could get Canada to pay for half of the costs.

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