Secretary Of State Makes Diplomatic Visit To Totally Fucked-Up Country

In This Section

Vol 34 Issue 16

Life Much Better Thanks To Recent Elections

WASHINGTON, DC–Life in the U.S. has significantly improved as a result of the Sept. 3 elections, according to a Georgetown University report released Tuesday. "The elections have brought about a great deal of positive change," the report read. "Healthcare is universal, the environment is cleaner and streets are safer. These new politicians are the ones we needed."

15,000 Brown People Dead Somewhere

OOGA-BOOGA LAND OR WHEREVER–Relief efforts are pouring into some country someplace, where 15,000 brown people have died over the past few weeks from flooding or a hurricane or something like that. "Never have our people endured such a terrible catastrophe," said this one dark-skinned guy who lost his entire family in the disaster of some sort. "Our God has forsaken us." The affected nation may possibly be the same one where about 90,000 brown people died two or three years ago in that one earthquake.

Blotting Of Ken Olin From Human Memory Delayed Several Years

LOS ANGELES–The complete erasure of actor Ken Olin from human memory has been forestalled at least a year due to his role on CBS's L.A. Doctors, it was reported Tuesday. Olin, who, prior to L.A. Doctors, had not appeared in anything notable since 1991's cancellation of thirtysomething, was reportedly less than 50 days from disappearing from the world's collective consciousness when he landed a role on the medical drama.

NYC Conservationists Decry Destruction Of Rat Habitats

NEW YORK–Calling recent urban renewal efforts "a grave threat to the city's fragile rat population," a group of New York City conservationists called for an end to the destruction of rat habitats Monday. "The redevelopment of run-down, abandoned buildings in Times Square drove more than 240,000 rats from their natural habitats in 1997," Rat Foundation director Mary Brinn said. In an effort to save the species, the Rat Foundation is demanding that eight city sewer lines be set aside as federally protected rat preserves.

Child Baffled By Stationary, Non-Violent Images

NEWTON, MA–Local first-grader Jamie Linnell is in stable condition following exposure to a static, non-confrontational image Tuesday. The image, a 1947 Life magazine photo of a woman tending to a rose garden, left Linnell in a state of panic and disorientation. "Jamie was turning the picture in all directions, desperately shaking it in an attempt to make it move," the boy's mother, Rita Linnell, told reporters. "He was frightened and trembling, and he kept asking me, 'Mommy, why isn't this exploding?' Then he collapsed to the floor." Linnell regained consciousness after receiving emergency doses of Tekken 3.

End Of The Gingrich Era

On Nov. 6, days after the elections that reduced the Republicans' House lead to just six seats, Newt Gingrich stepped down as Speaker of the House. What do you think about the end of the Gingrich Era on Capitol Hill?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Energy

Spring

Secretary Of State Makes Diplomatic Visit To Totally Fucked-Up Country

MOGADISHU, SOMALIA–Secretary of State Madeleine Albright arrived in Mogadishu Monday, beginning a four-day diplomatic visit to the totally fucked-up nation of Somalia.

Madeleine Albright, flanked by an entourage of State Department officials, arrives in the royally screwed nation of Somalia.

"The ravages of civil war have taken a terrible toll on Somalia, claiming the lives of more than 500,000 people since 1995," said Albright in an address before the United Somali Congress. "Another 300,000 Somalis have died of disease and hunger. Your nation is truly up shit creek."

Albright called for an increase in U.N. funds for resettlement of the nearly two million Somali refugees displaced by political unrest. She also pledged $800 million in U.S. aid for food and medical supplies, though she acknowledged that it would make little difference in a country so profoundly under the shithammer.

"Somalia is fragmented under the control of a dozen rival clan-based ruling factions, each with its own military force," Albright said. "The resultant internal fighting, compounded by perpetual border tension with Ethiopia, makes it difficult to establish the kind of stability necessary for sustained, substantive economic development."

Added Albright: "Christ, this place is fucked."

In addition to pledging $800 million in aid, Albright said the U.S. will finally restore economic ties severed in 1989 due to human-rights violations committed by the now-deposed Siad Barre government.

"By driving out the corrupt Siad Barre regime, Somalia has shown a commitment to reform," Albright said. "Steps are being taken to establish a climate in which democracy and free-market capitalism can take root. But despite such progress, we must not lose sight of the fact that this nation is in such a shitstorm of trouble, it is unlikely ever to happen. I mean, there's fucked, and then there's total, reamed-up-the-ass, fucked-in-half fucked."

Albright's visit included a tour along the only paved road in Somalia. The road runs from Berbera in the north to Mogadishu, and then down to Chisimayu, a city Albright said is all the way in the shitter.

Somalis loot U.N. food supplies in the beyond-fucked city of Mogadishu.

"The U.N. classifies Somalia as a developing nation," Albright said. "Well, I didn't see very much developing going on in Chisimayu. You don't even want to know where these people go to the bathroom. I practically fucking puked."

U.S. political experts say Albright's assessment of the situation is on target.

"Right now, three different men claim to be ruling Somalia," said Dr. James Knox, a Yale University African Studies professor specializing in the insane shit going on in the Gulf of Aden region. "A clan chief in Northern Somalia has proclaimed independence and leads a government in Hargeysa, while another clan chief, Hussein Aideed, recently nominated himself president of the Somali National Alliance. Then there's Ali Mahdi Muhammad, who presides over the United Somali Congress. Could you imagine if that kind of fucked-up shit went on in America?"

Environmental factors have exacerbated the plight of Somalia, which has been hit by crippling droughts and massive flooding. Earlier this year, the Jubba River in southern Somalia flooded, causing massive crop devastation and leaving hundreds of thousands unbelievably fucked.

"The factors responsible for the chaos in Somalia are complex and varied," Knox said, "but whatever the cause, one thing is clear: This East African nation of nine million is taking it in the ass, big-time. And as far as I can tell, there's pretty much not a chance in hell they'll be able to un-fuck themselves anytime soon."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More