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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Secretary Of State Makes Diplomatic Visit To Totally Fucked-Up Country

MOGADISHU, SOMALIA–Secretary of State Madeleine Albright arrived in Mogadishu Monday, beginning a four-day diplomatic visit to the totally fucked-up nation of Somalia.

Madeleine Albright, flanked by an entourage of State Department officials, arrives in the royally screwed nation of Somalia.

"The ravages of civil war have taken a terrible toll on Somalia, claiming the lives of more than 500,000 people since 1995," said Albright in an address before the United Somali Congress. "Another 300,000 Somalis have died of disease and hunger. Your nation is truly up shit creek."

Albright called for an increase in U.N. funds for resettlement of the nearly two million Somali refugees displaced by political unrest. She also pledged $800 million in U.S. aid for food and medical supplies, though she acknowledged that it would make little difference in a country so profoundly under the shithammer.

"Somalia is fragmented under the control of a dozen rival clan-based ruling factions, each with its own military force," Albright said. "The resultant internal fighting, compounded by perpetual border tension with Ethiopia, makes it difficult to establish the kind of stability necessary for sustained, substantive economic development."

Added Albright: "Christ, this place is fucked."

In addition to pledging $800 million in aid, Albright said the U.S. will finally restore economic ties severed in 1989 due to human-rights violations committed by the now-deposed Siad Barre government.

"By driving out the corrupt Siad Barre regime, Somalia has shown a commitment to reform," Albright said. "Steps are being taken to establish a climate in which democracy and free-market capitalism can take root. But despite such progress, we must not lose sight of the fact that this nation is in such a shitstorm of trouble, it is unlikely ever to happen. I mean, there's fucked, and then there's total, reamed-up-the-ass, fucked-in-half fucked."

Albright's visit included a tour along the only paved road in Somalia. The road runs from Berbera in the north to Mogadishu, and then down to Chisimayu, a city Albright said is all the way in the shitter.

Somalis loot U.N. food supplies in the beyond-fucked city of Mogadishu.

"The U.N. classifies Somalia as a developing nation," Albright said. "Well, I didn't see very much developing going on in Chisimayu. You don't even want to know where these people go to the bathroom. I practically fucking puked."

U.S. political experts say Albright's assessment of the situation is on target.

"Right now, three different men claim to be ruling Somalia," said Dr. James Knox, a Yale University African Studies professor specializing in the insane shit going on in the Gulf of Aden region. "A clan chief in Northern Somalia has proclaimed independence and leads a government in Hargeysa, while another clan chief, Hussein Aideed, recently nominated himself president of the Somali National Alliance. Then there's Ali Mahdi Muhammad, who presides over the United Somali Congress. Could you imagine if that kind of fucked-up shit went on in America?"

Environmental factors have exacerbated the plight of Somalia, which has been hit by crippling droughts and massive flooding. Earlier this year, the Jubba River in southern Somalia flooded, causing massive crop devastation and leaving hundreds of thousands unbelievably fucked.

"The factors responsible for the chaos in Somalia are complex and varied," Knox said, "but whatever the cause, one thing is clear: This East African nation of nine million is taking it in the ass, big-time. And as far as I can tell, there's pretty much not a chance in hell they'll be able to un-fuck themselves anytime soon."

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