Secretary Of The Ulterior Clearly Vying For Better Cabinet Position

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Vol 45 Issue 41

Community Gives Up Following Tragedy

FORT SCOTT, KS—"Honestly, I don't see the people of Fort Scott looking to one another for solace during this trying time, or really looking to one another for anything ever again," said mayor Thomas Dietrich.

Parents Against Swine Flu Vaccine

An Associated Press poll shows that 38 percent of all parents do not want their children vaccinated against the H1N1 virus, or swine flu. What do...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Race Relations

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Secretary Of The Ulterior Clearly Vying For Better Cabinet Position

WASHINGTON—Following a Monday morning staff meeting, White House sources said it has become clear that Department of the Ulterior head Arthur Killen is jockeying for a higher-ranking cabinet position. "I thought I'd bring in some gourmet coffee cake today—no reason, really, I just know how everyone loves a nice coffee cake," Killen was overheard saying moments after he explained to Rahm Emanuel that he "had no idea" how a report addressing wasteful spending in the Department of Energy had ended up in the chief of staff's briefcase. "Where is [current Energy Secretary] Steven [Chu]? Oh, he's out of town today? Boy, he's really been missing a lot of work lately, hasn't he?" White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said it is unlikely Killen will be promoted, as the ulterior secretary's latest actions have once again proved he is ideally suited for his current position.

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