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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Secretary Of Transportation Spends 3 Hours Cleaning Up Wikipedia Page On Roundabouts

WASHINGTON—Grumbling that “it doesn’t take any longer to get this stuff right than it does to get it wrong,” Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood reportedly spent three hours this weekend proofreading, correcting, and in some cases rewriting Wikipedia’s error-riddled roundabout entry. “Oh, come on, who edits this stuff?” said LaHood, shaking his head while deleting a “completely erroneous” paragraph from the section on marked-perimeter cycle lanes. “Someone who didn’t know any better could read this and come away thinking a roundabout is no different than a dumbbell interchange. If you’re going to write about this stuff, you owe it to the public to get it right. I’m afraid to even click on the cloverleaf page.” Sources confirmed that after adding an entirely new paragraph on recommended signaling etiquette, LaHood updated the secretary of transportation entry to note in its first sentence that holders of the office are 14th in the line of presidential succession.

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