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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Secretary Of Transportation Worried He’s Not Living Up To Legacy Of Claude S. Brinegar

WASHINGTON—Calling himself a pale shadow of his storied predecessor, U.S. Secretary of Transportation Anthony Foxx admitted to reporters Friday that he often worries whether he’ll ever be able to live up to the monumental legacy left by Claude S. Brinegar. “I try my best everyday to ensure a safe and efficient nationwide transportation system, but there are days when I just stop and think, ‘Who am I kidding? I’m no Brinegar and I never will be,’” said Foxx, adding that the “legendary” third chief of the U.S. Department of Transportation set an impressive and “humbling” standard for administering the nation’s transportation policies that no subsequent transportation secretary has ever been able to match, let alone best. “We’re talking about Claude Stout Brinegar here, for God’s sake. The man who tackled price gouging in the fuel industry, expanded commercial air service between the U.S. and the Soviet Union, and navigated this country through the 1973 oil embargo. I mean, what chance do I stand against a legacy like that?” Foxx added that he can at least take consolation in the fact that he’s already “kicking the shit out of [14th Secretary of Transportation] Norman Mineta.”

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