adBlockCheck

Politics

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
End Of Section
  • More News

Secretary Of Transportation Worried He’s Not Living Up To Legacy Of Claude S. Brinegar

WASHINGTON—Calling himself a pale shadow of his storied predecessor, U.S. Secretary of Transportation Anthony Foxx admitted to reporters Friday that he often worries whether he’ll ever be able to live up to the monumental legacy left by Claude S. Brinegar. “I try my best everyday to ensure a safe and efficient nationwide transportation system, but there are days when I just stop and think, ‘Who am I kidding? I’m no Brinegar and I never will be,’” said Foxx, adding that the “legendary” third chief of the U.S. Department of Transportation set an impressive and “humbling” standard for administering the nation’s transportation policies that no subsequent transportation secretary has ever been able to match, let alone best. “We’re talking about Claude Stout Brinegar here, for God’s sake. The man who tackled price gouging in the fuel industry, expanded commercial air service between the U.S. and the Soviet Union, and navigated this country through the 1973 oil embargo. I mean, what chance do I stand against a legacy like that?” Foxx added that he can at least take consolation in the fact that he’s already “kicking the shit out of [14th Secretary of Transportation] Norman Mineta.”

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close