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Secretary Of Transportation Worried He’s Not Living Up To Legacy Of Claude S. Brinegar

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Secretary Of Transportation Worried He’s Not Living Up To Legacy Of Claude S. Brinegar

WASHINGTON—Calling himself a pale shadow of his storied predecessor, U.S. Secretary of Transportation Anthony Foxx admitted to reporters Friday that he often worries whether he’ll ever be able to live up to the monumental legacy left by Claude S. Brinegar. “I try my best everyday to ensure a safe and efficient nationwide transportation system, but there are days when I just stop and think, ‘Who am I kidding? I’m no Brinegar and I never will be,’” said Foxx, adding that the “legendary” third chief of the U.S. Department of Transportation set an impressive and “humbling” standard for administering the nation’s transportation policies that no subsequent transportation secretary has ever been able to match, let alone best. “We’re talking about Claude Stout Brinegar here, for God’s sake. The man who tackled price gouging in the fuel industry, expanded commercial air service between the U.S. and the Soviet Union, and navigated this country through the 1973 oil embargo. I mean, what chance do I stand against a legacy like that?” Foxx added that he can at least take consolation in the fact that he’s already “kicking the shit out of [14th Secretary of Transportation] Norman Mineta.”

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