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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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The President Of Vice

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Security Removes Biden's Rowdy Buddies From Auditorium

DANVILLE, KY—In the middle of tonight’s debate between Joe Biden and Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), Centre College security guards were forced to remove from the auditorium five of the vice president’s loud and unruly friends: Darius, Blaze, Tank, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, and Dozer. “My buddies tend to go a little wild during these things—what can I say?” a smiling Biden said as eight security guards hauled away the drunken roughhousers for loudly whistling whenever the vice president spoke, repeatedly catcalling debate moderator Martha Raddatz, and throwing beer cans at Ryan following his opening statement. “Thanks for coming out, fellas! I’ll meet you guys back at my suite for a smoke-out after. Take care of the pack, Blaze.” Minutes after she was ejected, a staggering, inebriated Pelosi rolled up her sleeves and told reporters she planned on waiting in the auditorium’s back alley to “have a little talk” with Paul Ryan after the debate.

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