Security Removes Biden's Rowdy Buddies From Auditorium

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Taylor Harris

Leukemia sufferer Taylor Harris passed away Sunday afternoon, mere seconds after the Minnesota Vikings and the Make-A-Wish Foundation fulfilled the 9-year-old’s dream of fielding an NFL kickoff.

Secretary Of Interior Decks Smart-Ass Buffalo

LIMON, CO—Saying the 1,800-pound bovine had it coming, Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar decked a wise-ass bison during his recent visit to the Prairie Ridge Buffalo Farm, sources confirmed Saturday. The prick buffalo reportedly exhibited a shit...

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Warning that Internet worms and malware could devastate the U.S. power grid, transportation network, and financial system, Defense Secretary Leon Panetta urged the nation to invest heavily in cyber security to avoid an “electronic Pearl Harbor....

Outfit Just Screams 'Police Officer'

Mr. Autumn Man walks down the street with a cup of coffee, wearing sweater over a plaid collared shirt, the seed of World War III is planted in a Beijing Middle School gym class, and the nation did not see Mark Wahlberg's sex change coming.
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Security Removes Biden's Rowdy Buddies From Auditorium

DANVILLE, KY—In the middle of tonight’s debate between Joe Biden and Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), Centre College security guards were forced to remove from the auditorium five of the vice president’s loud and unruly friends: Darius, Blaze, Tank, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, and Dozer. “My buddies tend to go a little wild during these things—what can I say?” a smiling Biden said as eight security guards hauled away the drunken roughhousers for loudly whistling whenever the vice president spoke, repeatedly catcalling debate moderator Martha Raddatz, and throwing beer cans at Ryan following his opening statement. “Thanks for coming out, fellas! I’ll meet you guys back at my suite for a smoke-out after. Take care of the pack, Blaze.” Minutes after she was ejected, a staggering, inebriated Pelosi rolled up her sleeves and told reporters she planned on waiting in the auditorium’s back alley to “have a little talk” with Paul Ryan after the debate.

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