Seed Of World War III Planted In Beijing Middle-School Gym Class

Top Headlines

Recent News

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Good Times

Seed Of World War III Planted In Beijing Middle-School Gym Class

BEIJING—The seed of the catastrophic Third World War of 2033-2036, destined to kill some 80 percent of the planet’s population, was planted and nurtured Wednesday by Beijing middle school gym teacher Xiao Feng. “Keep striving, keep improving for the greater glory of China and her people!” Xiao shouted at the 11-to-13-year-old boys of Beijing Jingshan Middle School, a loudspeaker blaring a triumphal march as they raced around an oval track and began to slowly germinate a tiny grain of hostility that will one day bloom into massive, unprecedented human annihilation. “The decadent Western pigs are gaining on you even now!” Following the grueling two-hour training regimen, Xiao informed pudgy underperformer and future Chinese dictator Sun Cheng that he was a total failure and always would be.