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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Seed Of World War III Planted In Beijing Middle-School Gym Class

BEIJING—The seed of the catastrophic Third World War of 2033-2036, destined to kill some 80 percent of the planet’s population, was planted and nurtured Wednesday by Beijing middle school gym teacher Xiao Feng. “Keep striving, keep improving for the greater glory of China and her people!” Xiao shouted at the 11-to-13-year-old boys of Beijing Jingshan Middle School, a loudspeaker blaring a triumphal march as they raced around an oval track and began to slowly germinate a tiny grain of hostility that will one day bloom into massive, unprecedented human annihilation. “The decadent Western pigs are gaining on you even now!” Following the grueling two-hour training regimen, Xiao informed pudgy underperformer and future Chinese dictator Sun Cheng that he was a total failure and always would be.

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