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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Seed Of World War III Planted In Beijing Middle-School Gym Class

BEIJING—The seed of the catastrophic Third World War of 2033-2036, destined to kill some 80 percent of the planet’s population, was planted and nurtured Wednesday by Beijing middle school gym teacher Xiao Feng. “Keep striving, keep improving for the greater glory of China and her people!” Xiao shouted at the 11-to-13-year-old boys of Beijing Jingshan Middle School, a loudspeaker blaring a triumphal march as they raced around an oval track and began to slowly germinate a tiny grain of hostility that will one day bloom into massive, unprecedented human annihilation. “The decadent Western pigs are gaining on you even now!” Following the grueling two-hour training regimen, Xiao informed pudgy underperformer and future Chinese dictator Sun Cheng that he was a total failure and always would be.

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