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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Seed Of World War III Planted In Beijing Middle-School Gym Class

BEIJING—The seed of the catastrophic Third World War of 2033-2036, destined to kill some 80 percent of the planet’s population, was planted and nurtured Wednesday by Beijing middle school gym teacher Xiao Feng. “Keep striving, keep improving for the greater glory of China and her people!” Xiao shouted at the 11-to-13-year-old boys of Beijing Jingshan Middle School, a loudspeaker blaring a triumphal march as they raced around an oval track and began to slowly germinate a tiny grain of hostility that will one day bloom into massive, unprecedented human annihilation. “The decadent Western pigs are gaining on you even now!” Following the grueling two-hour training regimen, Xiao informed pudgy underperformer and future Chinese dictator Sun Cheng that he was a total failure and always would be.

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