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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Seeing Eye Dog Really Blows Off Some Steam In Dog Park

FORT COLLINS, CO—From the moment he was let loose in a local dog park Saturday, golden retriever and licensed Seeing Eye dog Biscuit reportedly blew off some steam by jumping up to lick people's faces, urinating on smaller dogs, and chasing almost everything that moved across his field of vision. "At first he was calm as could be, just leading his owner to a bench and letting her take a seat, but as soon as that guide-harness came off, holy fuck, that dog just went goddamn ballistic," said onlooker Ray Seward, 54, adding that Biscuit was "absolutely going to town" on every dog in the park. "That thing took off like a fucking rocket and sprinted the entire perimeter of the park six times before beelining directly toward this toddler and completely flattening her without even missing a step. Inevitably, the place cleared out, and then he just sat down and barked, nonstop, until he'd tired himself out." Sources confirmed Biscuit was last seen calmly walking back to his owner, where he lay down at her feet and waited until she was ready to be led back home.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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