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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Seeing Eye Dog Really Blows Off Some Steam In Dog Park

FORT COLLINS, CO—From the moment he was let loose in a local dog park Saturday, golden retriever and licensed Seeing Eye dog Biscuit reportedly blew off some steam by jumping up to lick people's faces, urinating on smaller dogs, and chasing almost everything that moved across his field of vision. "At first he was calm as could be, just leading his owner to a bench and letting her take a seat, but as soon as that guide-harness came off, holy fuck, that dog just went goddamn ballistic," said onlooker Ray Seward, 54, adding that Biscuit was "absolutely going to town" on every dog in the park. "That thing took off like a fucking rocket and sprinted the entire perimeter of the park six times before beelining directly toward this toddler and completely flattening her without even missing a step. Inevitably, the place cleared out, and then he just sat down and barked, nonstop, until he'd tired himself out." Sources confirmed Biscuit was last seen calmly walking back to his owner, where he lay down at her feet and waited until she was ready to be led back home.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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