adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Seeing Eye Dog Really Blows Off Some Steam In Dog Park

FORT COLLINS, CO—From the moment he was let loose in a local dog park Saturday, golden retriever and licensed Seeing Eye dog Biscuit reportedly blew off some steam by jumping up to lick people's faces, urinating on smaller dogs, and chasing almost everything that moved across his field of vision. "At first he was calm as could be, just leading his owner to a bench and letting her take a seat, but as soon as that guide-harness came off, holy fuck, that dog just went goddamn ballistic," said onlooker Ray Seward, 54, adding that Biscuit was "absolutely going to town" on every dog in the park. "That thing took off like a fucking rocket and sprinted the entire perimeter of the park six times before beelining directly toward this toddler and completely flattening her without even missing a step. Inevitably, the place cleared out, and then he just sat down and barked, nonstop, until he'd tired himself out." Sources confirmed Biscuit was last seen calmly walking back to his owner, where he lay down at her feet and waited until she was ready to be led back home.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close