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LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

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Seemingly Mentally Ill Internet Commenter Presumably Functions In Outside World

Sources say that web user DaemonX is most likely just a normal guy, like this, who lives in a house and clothes himself.
Sources say that web user DaemonX is most likely just a normal guy, like this, who lives in a house and clothes himself.

WASHINGTON—Though his incoherent, deeply uninformed, and often abusive internet comments seem to suggest he suffers from severe mental illness, web user DaemonX is in all likelihood a normal individual capable of functioning in the outside world, sources reported Wednesday.

Noting that he must at least own a computer, know how to use it, and possess the basic skills required to publish his thoughts on numerous websites and forums, internet users said DaemonX—the username of a person who posts dozens of inane and delusional comments online every day—is presumably a stable member of society.

“Clearly this guy has a working internet connection, so he must have some way of paying the bills, which I guess means he’s holding down a job,” said John Winegar, 34, reading YouTube comments from DaemonX that reportedly contained threats, profanity, and extremely forced sexual innuendos that make no sense to anyone. “If he lived with his parents or in some kind of mental health facility, surely someone would stop him from going online and making so many inexplicable and racially charged statements.”

“I can only assume this is an ordinary, sane individual who has a home, goes shopping, cooks dinner, and pays taxes like anyone else,” he added.

Suggestions that DaemonX could simply be a crazed vagrant using the internet at a public library have largely been dismissed, with Twitter users noting that his needlessly vulgar and aggressive tweets personally attacking “fat fuck” celebrities and other people he has never met often occur as late as 2 a.m.

Sources have also confirmed that DaemonX, whose comments on a recent Slate story headlined “The Hard Truth About Obesity” included “Obesity makes ME hard lol” and “Fuk Obama, take your camels back 2 Africa,” must at least possess the mental faculties necessary to have registered with the news website and have kept track of his username and password for each subsequent login.

Further evidence indicates the seemingly psychotic man probably lives in a house with four walls, a roof, and working utilities, drives a car on the same streets everyone else drives on, and is capable of routinely engaging in measured, straightforward face-to-face conversations with coworkers.

“His profile picture shows him with an arm around a smiling woman who appears to be his wife or girlfriend, so I guess he’s in a long-term relationship,” 27-year-old Facebook user Michelle Fairly said of the man who regularly comments “Bitch make me a sandwich” under news stories involving public figures who happen to be female. “Other photos show him with a 5-year-old girl—maybe she’s a daughter, maybe she’s a niece, but either way, we’re talking about a person who has a family and spends time with them.”

“Jesus Christ, this man may actually be responsible for the lives of young children,” she added while viewing a DaemonX comment on Reddit that simply read “Luv it when the internet is butthurt.” “That’s fucking scary.”

Online hints to his place of residence—found in his criticism of a local Thai restaurant whose food was delivered by a “lazy p.o.s. AZN that needs to learn English” and an Instagram photo of a neighborhood dog he described as “herp derp herp derp herp derp herp derp”—suggest DaemonX apparently lives on a residential street like any other in America and is not currently institutionalized.

As a result, sources added, the man who has claimed on numerous occasions to be the “only 1 who makes any fucking sense, fuck u if ur 2 stupid to take it” presumably interacts freely with dozens of citizens per day without any monitoring whatsoever.

“The scariest thing is knowing that DaemonX isn’t the only one out there,” an anonymous internet user told reporters in an email statement. “There r so many crazy fucking nutsoz in this world that it makes me want to shoot everyone. Those faggots can go die.”

“Fucking faggits,” he added.

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