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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself. “Dylan is preoccupied with the extremely selfish notion that he’s the sole influence on his parents’ marital problems, insisting that he could have acted better or done more to make them get along, as if he’s the only thing that matters in this situation,” said Fielder’s school guidance counselor, Sharon Thomas, adding that the boy is so narcissistic that he quickly dismissed the idea that financial and psychological factors played a role in his parents’ recent divorce and failed to even consider that the couple’s deep-seated communication issues could possibly be more important than he is. “I’ve tried to make it evident to Dylan that there’s more to his parents’ fighting and separation than just him, but frankly, he’s too self-absorbed to see anything else.” Thomas told reporters that she would not be surprised if Dylan thinks his father’s decision to give full custody to his mother completely revolved around him too.

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