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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Self-Defense Instructor Keeps A Couple Of Secrets To Himself

OAKLAND, CA— Tae kwon do instructor Darryl Connally, 42, said Monday that he never teaches his students everything he knows about self-defense. "I give them enough to get by in most street-level confrontations," said the author of The Nearly Complete Guide To Urban Security. "But you never give a potential opponent an edge." Connally added that "a true master must always be on his guard, lest one of his Basic Women's Self-Defense Seminar pupils rises against him."

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