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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Self-Defense Instructor Keeps A Couple Of Secrets To Himself

OAKLAND, CA— Tae kwon do instructor Darryl Connally, 42, said Monday that he never teaches his students everything he knows about self-defense. "I give them enough to get by in most street-level confrontations," said the author of The Nearly Complete Guide To Urban Security. "But you never give a potential opponent an edge." Connally added that "a true master must always be on his guard, lest one of his Basic Women's Self-Defense Seminar pupils rises against him."

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