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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Self-Defense Instructor Keeps A Couple Of Secrets To Himself

OAKLAND, CA— Tae kwon do instructor Darryl Connally, 42, said Monday that he never teaches his students everything he knows about self-defense. "I give them enough to get by in most street-level confrontations," said the author of The Nearly Complete Guide To Urban Security. "But you never give a potential opponent an edge." Connally added that "a true master must always be on his guard, lest one of his Basic Women's Self-Defense Seminar pupils rises against him."

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