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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Self-Deprecating WNBA Commercial Backfires

NEW YORK—The WNBA's recent "Expect Great" series of promotional spots, which feature players including Candace Parker and Tamika Catchings uttering phrases such as "Women's basketball is a joke" and "I'm sorry, but you couldn't pay me to watch the WNBA" produced the exact opposite of their intended effect, millions of TV viewers reported Monday. "I was wondering if I hadn't been too hard on the WNBA, but then this ad accurately and concisely confirmed all of my misgivings with the league—they had the players themselves say stuff like, 'Nothing exciting ever happens,' and, 'If you want to see real basketball, don't watch me,'" said sports fan Dave Tedrick. "I guess I was right all along." Later that night, an emotionally charged, highly persuasive ad featuring LPGA star Lorena Ochoa proclaiming the excitement of women's golf convinced Tedrick to watch the entirety of next weekend's McDonald's LPGA Championship.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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