The Department of Health and Human Services released their long-awaited report clarifying that nearly every death is directly linked to our Heavenly Lord needing our deceased love ones up in Heaven.
NEW YORK—The WNBA's recent "Expect Great" series of promotional spots, which feature players including Candace Parker and Tamika Catchings uttering phrases such as "Women's basketball is a joke" and "I'm sorry, but you couldn't pay me to watch the WNBA" produced the exact opposite of their intended effect, millions of TV viewers reported Monday. "I was wondering if I hadn't been too hard on the WNBA, but then this ad accurately and concisely confirmed all of my misgivings with the league—they had the players themselves say stuff like, 'Nothing exciting ever happens,' and, 'If you want to see real basketball, don't watch me,'" said sports fan Dave Tedrick. "I guess I was right all along." Later that night, an emotionally charged, highly persuasive ad featuring LPGA star Lorena Ochoa proclaiming the excitement of women's golf convinced Tedrick to watch the entirety of next weekend's McDonald's LPGA Championship.