adBlockCheck

Recent News

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Self-Help Book Believes It Can Be A Bestseller Someday

NEW YORK—In spite of the odds it faces in the ultra-competitive self-improvement segment of the publishing market, the forthcoming self-help book The Life-Changing Power Of Perspective firmly believes that it can be a bestseller, the 179-page non-fiction paperback said Tuesday.

Self-Help Book Believes It Can Be A Bestseller Someday

"I know I can reach the top," Perspective said. "I simply have to view the trade market from the proper vantage point. That's the secret to attaining your goals, as I explain in my introduction and elaborate upon in my 24 chapters."

"I can't wait to get out on the shelves and show people what I can do!" the book added.

Perspective said it will teach readers to organize their lives more efficiently and "achieve their goals by altering the way they define their circumstances." As readers progress through "the POV plan," Perspective said they will gain a fresh understanding of their lives, simply by altering their point of view.

"I use the model that I present, which is exactly why I know that I'm going to sell at least 500,000 copies," Perspective said. "Face it, if I didn't use powerful life tools, I wouldn't be sitting here in front of you today. I'm living proof of my 'creative mode' of thinking. Why, even back when I was only 30 pages, I was able to visualize myself as a full-length book."

"But I'm not stopping with a six-figure deal from New Horizon Press," Perspective said. "By 'believing in what I'm already achieving'—page 27—I can 'build on that belief and achieve through what I've built'—page 32. I'm not happy just to 'be,' when I can 'see.' I can see myself on every nightstand in America."

While optimistic life planning through visualization may not be unheard of in the self-improvement market, Perspective said it has something distinctive to offer to its readers.

"Everyone knows how many self-help books are published," Perspective said in a press release sent to potential reviewers early this year. "But how many of them are hard-bound for greatness? 'Oprah Book Club Selection' is already written on my heart. Now, it's just a matter of getting it embossed on my spine."

When pressed for details, Perspective quoted its back cover at length.

"'Do you see?'" Perspective said. "'And if you do, how? Where have you positioned yourself? Are you looking at the mountain, or are you seeing the things around yourself as they might look to someone who has climbed the mountain?'"

"It's important not to even have the mountain—in my case, the New York Times bestseller list—in your line of sight," Perspective said. "Instead, think of your mountain as your line of sight, a frame of reference. I'm 'framing' that achievement-picture, and 'referencing' it through action. So, it's not, 'Perspective, you have to sell 500,000 copies.' It's 'Perspective, tonight you have an appearance at a reporting store, so have fun and do your very best, as reporting stores are important stepping stones to bestseller status.'"

The Life-Changing Power Of Perspective expanded upon its personal goals, saying that, in the book's case, "proper action" constituted a 60,000-copy print run backed up by a half-page ad in major business and lifestyle magazines, plus colorful dump-box standee-displays on the ends of checkout aisles at all big-box chain bookstores.

"Everyone at Horizon is totally behind Perspective, but we thought an initial print run of 15,000 was more appropriate," Horizon Press editor Emily Steiner said. "It had a quarter page in our fall catalog, though. Perspective definitely has the potential to explode. I mean, every book does."

The author of The Life-Changing Power Of Perspective, Boston-based pediatrician Wes Marten, could not be reached for comment, as he was undergoing treatment for amphetamine abuse following the breakup of his third marriage.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close