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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Selfless Jason Kendall Sacrifices Bunt, Self For Good Of Team, Advancement Of Runners

MILWAUKEE—In an act of selflessness not often seen amongst ego-driven American athletes, who typically look only to further their own personal agendas, hero Milwaukee Brewers player Jason Kendall placed a bunted ball back to the pitcher Tuesday with full knowledge that he himself would be eliminated from scoring contention for the duration of the contest's fifth inning. Receiving upon his return to the dugout a mere smattering of high fives from his ignorant teammates and but one hand-clap from the staff of coaching elders, Kendall was not properly greeted as a hero responsible for the very 90-foot advancement of teammates Mat Gamel and J.J. Hardy to second and third base respectively. Due to his undying devotion to the singular cause of winning, even at the cost of his own personal downfall, Jason Kendall is the greatest player to ever play the game of baseball.鱼

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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