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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Selig: Next All-Star Game To Determine U.S. Foreign Policy

MILWAUKEE—After four years in which the outcome of the All-Star Game determined home-field advantage in the World Series, Commissioner Bud Selig has announced that Major League Baseball will attempt to increase fan interest by allowing the game's outcome to determine the direction of the United States foreign policy. "We have been working closely with the players' union and the State Department to align opposing theories of American involvement overseas with our two leagues," Selig said in a press conference Tuesday. "Since 'This Time It Counts' didn't resonate with the fans, we're hoping that 'All-Star Game 2007: The Fate Of The Free World Hangs In The Balance' will build more excitement." Although the exact details of the plan have yet to be determined, Selig said that a National League victory would almost certainly result in completely open borders, renewed relations with Cuba, and the withdrawal of coalition forces from Iraq.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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