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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Sen. Dick Lugar Placed On Congressional Disabled List With Strained Hamstring

WASHINGTON—Two days after tearing his right hamstring while sponsoring bill S. 2597, Sen. Dick Lugar (R-IN-.314) was placed on the 15-day Congressional Disabled List. "I was up there lobbying to authorize the extension of nondiscriminatory treatment to the products of Moldova, when all of a sudden I felt this snap," said the 76-year-old Lugar, who collapsed on the Senate floor and was unable to walk back to his seat under his own power. "I'm too old to be sponsoring this hard." As Lugar was being carried out of the Capitol on a stretcher, he gave a thumbs-up sign, drawing a standing ovation from his fellow members of Congress. "He's a fighter," said Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV). This is just the latest in a string of bad luck for the Senate, as during a routine checkup Sunday, bone chips were discovered in Iowa senator Tom Harkin's proposing elbow, and doctors have said he may never legislate again.

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