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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Sen. Dick Lugar Placed On Congressional Disabled List With Strained Hamstring

WASHINGTON—Two days after tearing his right hamstring while sponsoring bill S. 2597, Sen. Dick Lugar (R-IN-.314) was placed on the 15-day Congressional Disabled List. "I was up there lobbying to authorize the extension of nondiscriminatory treatment to the products of Moldova, when all of a sudden I felt this snap," said the 76-year-old Lugar, who collapsed on the Senate floor and was unable to walk back to his seat under his own power. "I'm too old to be sponsoring this hard." As Lugar was being carried out of the Capitol on a stretcher, he gave a thumbs-up sign, drawing a standing ovation from his fellow members of Congress. "He's a fighter," said Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV). This is just the latest in a string of bad luck for the Senate, as during a routine checkup Sunday, bone chips were discovered in Iowa senator Tom Harkin's proposing elbow, and doctors have said he may never legislate again.

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