adBlockCheck

Sen. Frist Receives High Bid In White House Bachelor Auction

Top Headlines

Politics

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Sen. Frist Receives High Bid In White House Bachelor Auction

WASHINGTON, DC—The 85th Annual White House Bachelor Auction closed Monday night with an impressive $9,310 raised for leukemia research. By a clear margin, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) received the highest bid, netting an impressive $825.

Auction emcee Powell opens the bidding on the Tennessee Republican.

"This isn't a competition, really," a blushing Frist said. "I'm just happy to do my part for such a worthwhile charity."

Dates with 18 different government officials were sold during the black-tie event, which was emceed by Secretary Of State Colin Powell.

"We look forward to these every year," Powell said. "The guys love to ham it up onstage, and the gals in the audience have such a fun time bidding against each other. Things get pretty heated."

Despite Powell's suggestion that Beltway females in attendance "get out those checkbooks," the evening began slowly. The first bachelor, White House Chief Of Staff Andrew Card, brought in a mere $168.

Bids for Frist also began low, stalling at a $275 bid by National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice. Just as the auctioneer was about to close the bidding, however, Frist began to swagger comically and removed his tie, throwing it to U.S. Rep. Julia Carson (D-IN), who caught it with a scream.

Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor quickly searched through her purse, raised her bidder paddle, and shouted "I'll give you $400 for that man!"

Not to be outdone, Rice upped her bid to $425. This ignited a tough two-minute bidding war between O'Connor and Rice, with prices rising in $25 increments. Encouraged by a table of tipsy girlfriends, O'Connor emerged as the victor.

"You won!" said Ruth Bader Ginsburg, O'Connor's friend and fellow Supreme Court justice. "I can't believe you did it! Woo!"

Rice, who witnesses said was "more than a little mad" after losing the auction, snapped up a bargain-priced U.S. Rep. Jim DeMint (R-SC) later in the evening for $125.

Condoleezza Rice attempts to procure Frist with a cash bid.

The price for Frist marks the highest bid for a bachelor since former White House Press Secretary George Stephanopoulos brought in a staggering $950.75 for multiple sclerosis in the 1993 auction.

Frist's high price tag came as no surprise to those who know the handsome statesman. The senator was a practicing surgeon before his 1994 election to office and has saved at least two lives since then. A proponent of AIDS research and traditional marriage, Frist is widely considered among beltway insiders to be a good catch—a fact not lost on his wife Karyn, who lent him out for the event.

"I know it seems odd to auction off a married man, but everyone knows it's all in good fun," Karyn Frist said. "Married or single, my Bill is the hottest piece on the auction block."
As the winner, O'Connor will receive an evening with Frist that includes dinner for two at Chadwick's, a popular D.C.-area restaurant, followed by front-row seats to a touring production of Mamma Mia at the National Theatre.

Following Powell's announcement that Frist was "sold to the Supreme Court justice," O'Connor ran to the dais, looped her sash around Frist's neck, and said, "You're all mine, big boy," while winking at her tablemates.

Following the frenzied Frist sale, Powell sought to ride the wave of enthusiasm by putting twice-passed-over Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy Thompson up for auction a third time.

"Come on! We're talking about a top member of the president's cabinet!" said Powell, as Thompson gamely flexed and posed for the assembled bidders. "This is Tommy Thompson, the original ladies' man. Don't you remember his calming presence during the anthrax scare, or the SARS outbreaks? Can I get $50? How about $30? Come on, ladies, this is for charity."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close