Sen. Frist Receives High Bid In White House Bachelor Auction

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Judge Totally Understands Where Defendant Is Coming From

CONCORDIA, MO—During a domestic-dispute case on Monday, Judge Peter Spiveck ruled that he could totally understand where 32-year-old defendant Samuel Werton was coming from. "Man, I totally hear what you're saying," said Spiveck, moments before handing down a sentence. "If my old lady stayed out drinking until 3 o'clock in the morning, I'd be tempted to run her over with the Dodge myself. But, dude, you can't do that. You've got to learn to keep it under control, see." Spiveck then warmly patted Werton on the shoulder and sentenced him to 90 days in the Lafayette County Lockup.

Late-Working CEO Calls Out For Coffee In Vain

NEW YORK—While pulling a late-nighter at the office, Verizon Communications CEO Ivan Seidenberg repeatedly called out for coffee Tuesday despite being the only person in the building. "Would somebody please bring me some coffee?" shouted Seidenberg from his desk at approximately 11:30 p.m. "I need a cup of coffee—with two sugars. Dolores? Janice? Coffee?" Seidenberg alternated his requests for coffee with announcements that printer tray number two was out of paper.

Pen Pal Becomes Pen Foe

CHUGWATER, WY—In light of their recent antagonistic correspondence, 8-year-old Ryan Werther has decided that 7-year-old Trenton, NJ, resident Dashiell Kudia has changed from his pen pal to his pen foe. "You wer [sic] so wrong when you said the Fairly Oddparents are as good as Spongebob," Kudia penned in a letter Werther received Monday. "You can go jump off a brij [sic] for all I care because you are no longer my friend." Kudia's letter ended with a tersely written "So there."

Kraft Goes On A Diet

Kraft Foods recently announced it will join the fught against obesity by cutting portion sizes and altering recipes of many its top products. What other changes is the company planning?

Israelis, Palestinians Agree To Share Headline

AQABA, JORDAN—In an agreement that marks a key first step in the Mideast news-piece process, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and new Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas pledged to share a two-state Israeli and Palestinian headline Monday.

A Second Dose of Angels? I Must Be In Heaven!

Item! Are you "2" pumped to see Charlie's Angels 2: Full Frontal? In light of all the super-duds in this blockbuster summer, I sure was. I needed a dose of Drew Barrymore more than ever, with the one-two punch of Lucy Loo and the beautiful but deadly Carmen Diaz. And, just when I thought I couldn't take any more, I got Moore... Demi Moore! Let me tell you, she kicked "2" much butt all over the screen.
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Sen. Frist Receives High Bid In White House Bachelor Auction

WASHINGTON, DC—The 85th Annual White House Bachelor Auction closed Monday night with an impressive $9,310 raised for leukemia research. By a clear margin, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) received the highest bid, netting an impressive $825.

Auction emcee Powell opens the bidding on the Tennessee Republican.

"This isn't a competition, really," a blushing Frist said. "I'm just happy to do my part for such a worthwhile charity."

Dates with 18 different government officials were sold during the black-tie event, which was emceed by Secretary Of State Colin Powell.

"We look forward to these every year," Powell said. "The guys love to ham it up onstage, and the gals in the audience have such a fun time bidding against each other. Things get pretty heated."

Despite Powell's suggestion that Beltway females in attendance "get out those checkbooks," the evening began slowly. The first bachelor, White House Chief Of Staff Andrew Card, brought in a mere $168.

Bids for Frist also began low, stalling at a $275 bid by National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice. Just as the auctioneer was about to close the bidding, however, Frist began to swagger comically and removed his tie, throwing it to U.S. Rep. Julia Carson (D-IN), who caught it with a scream.

Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor quickly searched through her purse, raised her bidder paddle, and shouted "I'll give you $400 for that man!"

Not to be outdone, Rice upped her bid to $425. This ignited a tough two-minute bidding war between O'Connor and Rice, with prices rising in $25 increments. Encouraged by a table of tipsy girlfriends, O'Connor emerged as the victor.

"You won!" said Ruth Bader Ginsburg, O'Connor's friend and fellow Supreme Court justice. "I can't believe you did it! Woo!"

Rice, who witnesses said was "more than a little mad" after losing the auction, snapped up a bargain-priced U.S. Rep. Jim DeMint (R-SC) later in the evening for $125.

Condoleezza Rice attempts to procure Frist with a cash bid.

The price for Frist marks the highest bid for a bachelor since former White House Press Secretary George Stephanopoulos brought in a staggering $950.75 for multiple sclerosis in the 1993 auction.

Frist's high price tag came as no surprise to those who know the handsome statesman. The senator was a practicing surgeon before his 1994 election to office and has saved at least two lives since then. A proponent of AIDS research and traditional marriage, Frist is widely considered among beltway insiders to be a good catch—a fact not lost on his wife Karyn, who lent him out for the event.

"I know it seems odd to auction off a married man, but everyone knows it's all in good fun," Karyn Frist said. "Married or single, my Bill is the hottest piece on the auction block."
As the winner, O'Connor will receive an evening with Frist that includes dinner for two at Chadwick's, a popular D.C.-area restaurant, followed by front-row seats to a touring production of Mamma Mia at the National Theatre.

Following Powell's announcement that Frist was "sold to the Supreme Court justice," O'Connor ran to the dais, looped her sash around Frist's neck, and said, "You're all mine, big boy," while winking at her tablemates.

Following the frenzied Frist sale, Powell sought to ride the wave of enthusiasm by putting twice-passed-over Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy Thompson up for auction a third time.

"Come on! We're talking about a top member of the president's cabinet!" said Powell, as Thompson gamely flexed and posed for the assembled bidders. "This is Tommy Thompson, the original ladies' man. Don't you remember his calming presence during the anthrax scare, or the SARS outbreaks? Can I get $50? How about $30? Come on, ladies, this is for charity."

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