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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Senate Democrats Hoping To Go Out In Final Blaze Of Glory By Passing One Last Neutered Bill

Senate Democrats say their last legislative hurrah will showcase everything their party does best, including steadily backtracking on their ideas and dozens of concessions.
Senate Democrats say their last legislative hurrah will showcase everything their party does best, including steadily backtracking on their ideas and dozens of concessions.

WASHINGTON—With the party set to lose control of the chamber following defeats in the midterm elections, Senate Democrats announced Wednesday that they are prepared to go out in a final blaze of glory by passing one last completely neutered bill.

Reconvening for the lame-duck session, the party leadership confirmed plans to muster their forces for a valiant, climactic charge, aiming to make a last stand in the weeks ahead by enacting just one more watered-down, ultimately inconsequential piece of legislation during the 113th session of Congress.

“My fellow Democrats and I fully intend to go out with a bang, pushing through one final bill that has been completely gutted of any meaningful provisions in order to get enough votes,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) while describing the party’s last legislative hurrah, which is expected to have no measurable effect on the U.S. populace whatsoever. “This signature legislation will feature more than 500 pages of toothless clauses, unenforceable regulations, and generous compromises that give significant ground to our opponents while getting us nothing back in return—I promise you that.”

“Americans can depend on us to put up the kind of legislative fight that they have come to expect from Senate Democrats,” he added.

According to sources, the final culmination of the Democratic majority’s efforts will begin with draft legislation that appears highly promising at first, but will eventually be stripped of all substance and value as party members seek to overcome the procedural hurdles necessary to bringing it to the Senate floor for debate. Democratic leaders confirmed that their grand finale will, in short order, become burdened with dozens of revisions, markups, and restrictions on individual articles that will effectively negate its original purpose altogether, ultimately yielding a meaningless law that has no discernible impact on the country.

While they haven’t decided yet whether the measure will be a feeble attempt to eliminate corporate-tax loopholes, reduce carbon emissions, or address immigration issues, party officials have promised that the end product will be wholly unrecognizable and will in no way represent their core values.

With many among their party not returning in January, Democratic leaders have said that the outgoing members of their caucus will always be able to look back on this final gesture as the crowning moment of their eight years in power, when all their efforts, once again, accomplished absolutely nothing. Additionally, the left-leaning senators have vowed to go down swinging, telling reporters they will sacrifice everything for the bill, which they admit will have to be an extremely sterile piece of legislation­—perhaps even a nonbinding resolution of some kind—if it is to survive a Republican filibuster.

“We Democrats may only have a few months left in power, but we are going out with guns blazing,” said Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA), acknowledging that the party’s intention to “burn out instead of fade away” will almost certainly result in a bill laden with riders that undermine previous Democratic accomplishments. “It’s now or never, and we plan on going out big. So, let’s seize this one last chance to put a bill on the floor that we will dramatically scale back at the first sign of Republican opposition.”

“This will be the very best of what our party has to offer,” she added.

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