Senate Unable To Get Enough Republican Votes To Honor 'To Kill A Mockingbird'

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Vol 46 Issue 31

NFL Fans Turn Out In Droves To Watch Men Touch Cones

NEW YORK—Fans of professional football turned out more than 100,000 strong last week to watch grown men perform calisthenics, huddle around one another, and even run up to and touch orange cones, spokesmen for the NFL said Wednesday.

Illinois Does A Few Adult Films To Make Ends Meet

SPRINGFIELD, IL—After ending the 2010 fiscal year with a record $4.7 billion in unpaid bills, officials say Illinois has been actively pursuing a number of sexually explicit scenes in direct-to-DVD features until it gets back on its feet.

Albert Haynesworth

The Redskins' defensive lineman has a checkered past and is currently struggling to get into condition. Is he any good?
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Senate Unable To Get Enough Republican Votes To Honor 'To Kill A Mockingbird'

WASHINGTON—Unable to find a single Republican senator willing to break ranks and support the measure, Senate Democrats failed Thursday to stop the filibuster of S. 6253, a one-page resolution recognizing the 50th anniversary of Harper Lee's To Kill A Mockingbird. "We almost had Scott Brown (R-MA) on board, but he balked when members of his party insisted the book only be commended if its court-room scenes were shortened a bit and the setting changed to Nebraska," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), explaining the procedural difficulties in passing legislation to honor the classic tale of a small-town lawyer's tireless efforts to defend an innocent man. "If we'd agreed to all their compromises, we'd have wound up with a watered-down version of the novel containing only seven of its original 31 chapters." At press time, Republicans said they would be willing to resume negotiations if the beloved work of American literature is revised so that Tom Robinson is a small-businessman wrongly accused of failing to provide employees with health benefits and Scout is a boy.

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