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Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Senate Votes To Add Gratuity To All Bills Of Eight Provisions Or More

WASHINGTON, DC–By a 74-20 margin, the U.S. Senate approved a resolution Monday guaranteeing lawmakers a 15 percent gratuity for all bills containing eight provisions or more. "Some of the bills around here run into the billions," U.S. Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS) said. "This is our way of making sure we don't get stiffed." Later that day, Brownback received an $825 million gratuity on a $5.3 billion arms-appropriation bill he authored.

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