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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Senator Baucus Shows Rest Of Congress Where He Found The Dead Body

WASHINGTON—Breaking off in the middle of a speech on financial reform Tuesday, Sen. Max Baucus (D-MT) offered to take any member of the assembled Senate brave enough to follow him down to Breakneck Woods to see the dead body he had found. "I went to collect some rocks by Miller Creek this morning, and I saw something in the tall grass," the wide-eyed senator said as he led several members of Congress over a rickety bridge by the quarry right around sunset. "He was just lying down there. His skin was all blue-looking." Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN) was later seen taking an inconsolable Sen. John Barrasso (R-WY) over to a nearby tree to calm him down just before the group ran off to hide in an old drainage pipe after seeing oncoming headlights.

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