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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Senator Baucus Shows Rest Of Congress Where He Found The Dead Body

WASHINGTON—Breaking off in the middle of a speech on financial reform Tuesday, Sen. Max Baucus (D-MT) offered to take any member of the assembled Senate brave enough to follow him down to Breakneck Woods to see the dead body he had found. "I went to collect some rocks by Miller Creek this morning, and I saw something in the tall grass," the wide-eyed senator said as he led several members of Congress over a rickety bridge by the quarry right around sunset. "He was just lying down there. His skin was all blue-looking." Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN) was later seen taking an inconsolable Sen. John Barrasso (R-WY) over to a nearby tree to calm him down just before the group ran off to hide in an old drainage pipe after seeing oncoming headlights.

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