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Senator Chuck Grassley Hurting GOP's Chances With Women At Bars

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.
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Senator Chuck Grassley Hurting GOP's Chances With Women At Bars

WASHINGTON—According to Beltway sources, the recent actions of Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) have severely, and perhaps irrevocably, damaged the ability of his fellow Republican congressmen to pick up women at the various bars and nightclubs they frequent in the D.C. area. "Historically, Republicans have faced little opposition from willing and easily impressed single females, but Sen. Grassley's untoward behavior poses a significant threat to the status quo," Republican strategist Stanley Schilling said. "Whether because of his inappropriate remarks on the [dance] floor, or his stubborn unwillingness to take no for an answer, Sen. Grassley, frankly, has few real allies in either party at this point." GOP sources also reported that they were organizing a bipartisan effort to place caps on the number of times Grassley would be allowed to ask women what time they had to be "back in heaven."

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