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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Senator Forms Subcommittee For The Watching Of Lost

WASHINGTON, DC—Sen. Bill Nelson (D-FL) announced the formation of a new Senate subcommittee for the Watching of Lost and appointed himself its chair Monday.

"This subcommittee's mission is to promote viewing and discussion of this riveting ABC series every Wednesday night at my house," said Nelson, who lives alone, adding that membership on the subcommittee is open to both parties, requires no seniority, and is "fun." "In addition, I have been able to secure funding for two large pizzas and one two-liter bottle of Pepsi, and have every confidence that I can acquire more."

Sen. Nelson has asked all attendees to arrive on time, do their best to remain quiet during the show's airing, and stick around to discuss the plot and backstory for "as long as you want afterward."

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