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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Senator Honored For Work With Overprivileged Americans

HOUSTON—Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX), long a champion of the country's most advantaged Americans, was honored for his 20 years of work with the overprivileged Sunday. "John has dedicated his life and career to helping the uptrodden, believing in the common billionaire oil man who just needs that extra push to be able to pick himself up and increase his wealth and power without having to worry about paying taxes," said oil tycoon T. Boone Pickens, adding that without Sen. Cornyn, he and dozens like him would just barely be hanging on to their spots on Forbes magazine's World's Richest People list. "Few men have done so much for those few who already have so much." Cornyn later delivered a speech in which he vowed to continue his work with the nation's least needy, after which he was presented with the key to Houston's finest gated communities.

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