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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Senator Misses Simpler Time When He Could Do Abominable Things In Peace

WASHINGTON—After being targeted by a Senate Ethics Committee probe for engaging in alleged improprieties with a former staffer, Sen. John Ensign (R-NV) took the Senate floor Tuesday to recall a kinder, simpler time when legislators like himself could commit abhorrent acts "without a care in the world." "Used to be a fella could have a lobbyist deliver bags of cash to his office first thing in the morning, leer openly at a buxom young page, and by noon be enjoying a $35 glass of scotch at the Four Seasons without having done a lick of work," Ensign said before pausing to sigh and gaze wistfully up at the ceiling. "Nowadays, I can't even accept inappropriate gifts from campaign donors with mob ties without thinking twice. What is this country coming to?" Ensign also rued the fact that his staff is too busy keeping him out of public scandals for any of them to have an affair with him.

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