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Senator Misses Simpler Time When He Could Do Abominable Things In Peace

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.
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Senator Misses Simpler Time When He Could Do Abominable Things In Peace

WASHINGTON—After being targeted by a Senate Ethics Committee probe for engaging in alleged improprieties with a former staffer, Sen. John Ensign (R-NV) took the Senate floor Tuesday to recall a kinder, simpler time when legislators like himself could commit abhorrent acts "without a care in the world." "Used to be a fella could have a lobbyist deliver bags of cash to his office first thing in the morning, leer openly at a buxom young page, and by noon be enjoying a $35 glass of scotch at the Four Seasons without having done a lick of work," Ensign said before pausing to sigh and gaze wistfully up at the ceiling. "Nowadays, I can't even accept inappropriate gifts from campaign donors with mob ties without thinking twice. What is this country coming to?" Ensign also rued the fact that his staff is too busy keeping him out of public scandals for any of them to have an affair with him.

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