adBlockCheck

Sports

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Senators Accuse Thrashers Of Pouring It On After 3-1 Loss

OTTAWA—Following their 3-1 loss Wednesday, Senators players accused the visiting Thrashers of poor sportsmanship for keeping up the intensity long after the game was out of reach. "At the end of the second period it was 2-1, meaning the game was basically over," said Senators captain Daniel Alfredsson, who called the Thrashers' behavior in tallying the gaudy score a violation of the hockey code. "What's going to happen? We're somehow going to score a goal and tie it? Maybe. Flukes happen, miracles happen. But are we going to score twice? This is hockey we're talking about, after all." Alfredsson would not rule out his team attempting to score three goals on the Thrashers in their next meeting regardless of whether the Thrashers score at all.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close