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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Senators Wish Domenici Would Bring Dog To Work More Often

WASHINGTON, DC—Members of the U.S. Senate wish that Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM) would bring his sheepdog Luke to work more often, Beltway sources reported Monday. "It's always so fun when we're debating a piece of legislation, and Luke comes charging in and runs all around the senate floor saying hi to everybody," Sen. Jon Corzine (D-NJ) said. "A couple weeks ago, I was right in the middle of a speech when he bowled me over and started licking my face." Virtually every senator has encouraged Domenici to bring in Luke, with the notable exception of Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA), who is "so allergic to that thing, it's not even funny."

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