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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Senile Mother A Broken Novelty Record

HUNTLEY, NE—The constant chatter of vascular dementia–afflicted Sophia Chandler, 88, has become a "broken novelty record" to the family members who care for her, Chandler's daughter Jane LeNoir said Tuesday. "All day long, it's 'I'm cold,' or 'Where's my husband? Is he dead?' or 'Janie, the airplanes are stopping over our house and the people are looking down my blouse' in the same scratchy tone," LeNoir, 59, said. "Then, a few minutes later, it starts again. Although sometimes she totally flips and starts in on 'Eight-Eyed Emily' or 'King Of The Dung Beetles.'" LeNoir said the condition is expected to get worse when Chandler's recently diagnosed Parkinson's disease really kicks in and her voice begins skipping unpredictably.

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