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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Senile Mother A Broken Novelty Record

HUNTLEY, NE—The constant chatter of vascular dementia–afflicted Sophia Chandler, 88, has become a "broken novelty record" to the family members who care for her, Chandler's daughter Jane LeNoir said Tuesday. "All day long, it's 'I'm cold,' or 'Where's my husband? Is he dead?' or 'Janie, the airplanes are stopping over our house and the people are looking down my blouse' in the same scratchy tone," LeNoir, 59, said. "Then, a few minutes later, it starts again. Although sometimes she totally flips and starts in on 'Eight-Eyed Emily' or 'King Of The Dung Beetles.'" LeNoir said the condition is expected to get worse when Chandler's recently diagnosed Parkinson's disease really kicks in and her voice begins skipping unpredictably.

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