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Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard

Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking ...

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Senior Center Restocks On Rum Raisin Ice Cream

PRESCOTT, AZ—Residents of the Prescott Senior Center were pleased on Tuesday to learn that a new order of rum raisin ice cream had finally arrived. The ice cream, purchased from a nearby supermarket, had been out of stock for two weeks. "It was time to get more rum raisin ice cream," activities director Rich Diaz said. "Friday's coming up, and that's rum raisin ice cream night." Diaz said the center had experimented with other flavors, but pineapple coconut was deemed too sweet by most of the seniors, and the multiple flavors of Neapolitan just confused them.

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