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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Senior Citizens Discuss Merits Of County-Clerk Candidates

MARSHFIELD, MO–During their weekly canasta game Monday, area octogenarians Beatrice Evans and Ida Hollings discussed the relative merits of the candidates for Webster County Clerk. "I like the fact that Wayne Speno wants to lower passport fees," Evans said. "On the other hand, he wants to keep the vital-statistics office open only until 4 p.m. weekdays, which isn't late enough." Hollings said she plans to vote for Speno opponent Mary Lodge. "[Lodge] did a fine job as assistant county clerk these past six years," Hollings said, "and I really feel like she's ready."

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