Senior Getting Great Funeral Ideas From Friends

Top Headlines

Local

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Fatherhood

Senior Getting Great Funeral Ideas From Friends

After witnessing the outpouring of support at Karl's funeral, Lech is coming around on the idea of a guest book.
After witnessing the outpouring of support at Karl's funeral, Lech is coming around on the idea of a guest book.

TAMPA, FL—As he nears his 83rd birthday next month, local man Robert Lech told reporters that attending dozens of funerals over the past several years has given him "tons of great ideas" for his own memorial service, and has really opened his eyes to what a funeral can be.

According to Lech, he first began picking up tips for everything from casket placement to quick-and-easy Bible passages back in 2000, when Karl Manoch, his best friend and business partner of 25 years, passed away following a sudden brain aneurysm.

"You should have seen the flower arrangements," Lech said. "Karl's family asked everyone to send white roses or lilies, which were his favorite, so when you looked at the casket, all you saw was this sea of white. There must have been more than 50 bouquets there, because people loved Karl so very much."

"It really made a huge impact, visually," Lech continued. "And it got me to thinking: That's definitely the sort of thing I want when I die."

Over the years, Lech said, he's grown confident that his own funeral will be "one to remember," due to all the useful ideas he plans to incorporate into his future public viewing. For instance, he recently decided to go with finger foods instead of the traditional buffet for the post-mass luncheon—a "revelation" he discovered at the funeral of cousin Henry Carlton.

"When you're remembering a loved one and telling stories—like the time Henry and I stole Old Man Barger's Pontiac and drove it down to the quarry to go swimming with Annie Davis and Geraldine LaBonte—you really do just want bite-sized foods," Lech said. "I'd hate for people to have to slump over some hot metal tray when my time finally comes."

By his own estimate, Lech has gotten hundreds of ideas from the deaths of friends, family, and colleagues, though he admits his thoughts have not yet coalesced into a unified and cohesive funeral plan he is happy with. Still, there are some details he feels very strongly about, including a single photo blown up to poster size rather than a collage of smaller pictures; a donation box for his favorite charity, the March of Dimes; and arranged seating in hopes that his son, Donald, and daughter, Emma, might finally break their silence after years of bitter fighting.

Likewise, extensive time logged at wakes and funerals has taught him what he does not like. Lech is adamant about not having his youngest grandchild give a reading, which he described as "melodramatic" and "totally expected," nor does he wish to be cremated.

"After [twin brother] Richard was cremated, I decided that wasn't for me," Lech said. "Look, I'm not trying to reinvent the wheel here. I just want a great version of a traditional funeral with a couple of unique elements that take you by surprise. If I can do that I'll be happy."

Lech also said he may forego a three-piece suit for his favorite linen shirt and pants, like his old Army buddy Jack Weaver did at his funeral six months ago.

"Jack taught me a lot of things over the years, like how to be a family man, and how the deceased doesn't have to look all stuffy inside the casket," Lech said. "I want people to remember me not just as their family accountant, but as a friend, or golf buddy, or even as the guy you wave to on the street."

"And I'm not having Father Patrick speak at my funeral," Lech continued. "Everyone always uses him and he just does variations on the same eulogy."

Among the more out-there ideas Lech has encountered came not from a peer but from the funeral of Weaver's 32-year-old daughter Elaine Cassal, a woman he had known since her birth. Rather than a eulogy, the family asked those in attendance to stand up and read different lines from a poem Elaine had written just weeks before her fatal car crash—the most overt break from procedure Lech had ever seen.

"I guess if you really want to see something new and original you have to look to the young," Lech said. "That's the way it always is."

Lech, who will have a heart attack and pass away next Monday, is expected to be cremated at a small service attended only by immediate family members. The public can make donations in Lech's name to the Tampa SPCA.

Next Story