Senior Getting Great Funeral Ideas From Friends

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45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.
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Senior Getting Great Funeral Ideas From Friends

After witnessing the outpouring of support at Karl's funeral, Lech is coming around on the idea of a guest book.
After witnessing the outpouring of support at Karl's funeral, Lech is coming around on the idea of a guest book.

TAMPA, FL—As he nears his 83rd birthday next month, local man Robert Lech told reporters that attending dozens of funerals over the past several years has given him "tons of great ideas" for his own memorial service, and has really opened his eyes to what a funeral can be.

According to Lech, he first began picking up tips for everything from casket placement to quick-and-easy Bible passages back in 2000, when Karl Manoch, his best friend and business partner of 25 years, passed away following a sudden brain aneurysm.

"You should have seen the flower arrangements," Lech said. "Karl's family asked everyone to send white roses or lilies, which were his favorite, so when you looked at the casket, all you saw was this sea of white. There must have been more than 50 bouquets there, because people loved Karl so very much."

"It really made a huge impact, visually," Lech continued. "And it got me to thinking: That's definitely the sort of thing I want when I die."

Over the years, Lech said, he's grown confident that his own funeral will be "one to remember," due to all the useful ideas he plans to incorporate into his future public viewing. For instance, he recently decided to go with finger foods instead of the traditional buffet for the post-mass luncheon—a "revelation" he discovered at the funeral of cousin Henry Carlton.

"When you're remembering a loved one and telling stories—like the time Henry and I stole Old Man Barger's Pontiac and drove it down to the quarry to go swimming with Annie Davis and Geraldine LaBonte—you really do just want bite-sized foods," Lech said. "I'd hate for people to have to slump over some hot metal tray when my time finally comes."

By his own estimate, Lech has gotten hundreds of ideas from the deaths of friends, family, and colleagues, though he admits his thoughts have not yet coalesced into a unified and cohesive funeral plan he is happy with. Still, there are some details he feels very strongly about, including a single photo blown up to poster size rather than a collage of smaller pictures; a donation box for his favorite charity, the March of Dimes; and arranged seating in hopes that his son, Donald, and daughter, Emma, might finally break their silence after years of bitter fighting.

Likewise, extensive time logged at wakes and funerals has taught him what he does not like. Lech is adamant about not having his youngest grandchild give a reading, which he described as "melodramatic" and "totally expected," nor does he wish to be cremated.

"After [twin brother] Richard was cremated, I decided that wasn't for me," Lech said. "Look, I'm not trying to reinvent the wheel here. I just want a great version of a traditional funeral with a couple of unique elements that take you by surprise. If I can do that I'll be happy."

Lech also said he may forego a three-piece suit for his favorite linen shirt and pants, like his old Army buddy Jack Weaver did at his funeral six months ago.

"Jack taught me a lot of things over the years, like how to be a family man, and how the deceased doesn't have to look all stuffy inside the casket," Lech said. "I want people to remember me not just as their family accountant, but as a friend, or golf buddy, or even as the guy you wave to on the street."

"And I'm not having Father Patrick speak at my funeral," Lech continued. "Everyone always uses him and he just does variations on the same eulogy."

Among the more out-there ideas Lech has encountered came not from a peer but from the funeral of Weaver's 32-year-old daughter Elaine Cassal, a woman he had known since her birth. Rather than a eulogy, the family asked those in attendance to stand up and read different lines from a poem Elaine had written just weeks before her fatal car crash—the most overt break from procedure Lech had ever seen.

"I guess if you really want to see something new and original you have to look to the young," Lech said. "That's the way it always is."

Lech, who will have a heart attack and pass away next Monday, is expected to be cremated at a small service attended only by immediate family members. The public can make donations in Lech's name to the Tampa SPCA.