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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Senior Prank Somehow Leaves High School With Increased Math Funding

TEXARKANA, TX—A prank in which seniors at West Texarkana High arrived for first-period classes with their shirts and pants on backward has somehow resulted in a $50,000 increase in funding for the school's math program, bewildered administrators announced today. "We'd like to thank the state superintendent, I guess, and also the fine folks at Texas Instruments for all those brand-new graphing calculators," vice principal Ed Guerrero said during his morning announcements. "I'd send everyone home and make them change, but maybe we should wait and see whether our computer lab gets remodeled first." The incident comes on the heels of last year's district championship by the debate team, after which the school's football program mysteriously had its entire budget cut.

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