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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Sentimental Pitchers And Catchers Fulfill Promise Of Meeting In Exact Same Spot One Year Later

SARASOTA, FL—Fulfilling a promise they made one year ago, nostalgic MLB pitchers and catchers reported to the exact same spot Thursday to recount memories of what many of them called "the best spring training ever." "Oh my God, you guys, I can't believe we're here. Let's see if that Gatorade bottle with the notes we wrote to each other is still buried under the pitcher's mound," said the visibly giddy Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina, adding that everyone at camp looked older, but "in, like, a good way." "Would you look at us? We're all so different. Zack [Greinke] is an award winner now, and Roy [Halladay] is a Phillie. Wow. Let's promise to make this spring training even better than last year's spring training." Despite all the emotional and professional changes many of the players had gone through in the past year, all agreed they were there to do one thing, which was pitching and catching.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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