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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Sentimental Pitchers And Catchers Fulfill Promise Of Meeting In Exact Same Spot One Year Later

SARASOTA, FL—Fulfilling a promise they made one year ago, nostalgic MLB pitchers and catchers reported to the exact same spot Thursday to recount memories of what many of them called "the best spring training ever." "Oh my God, you guys, I can't believe we're here. Let's see if that Gatorade bottle with the notes we wrote to each other is still buried under the pitcher's mound," said the visibly giddy Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina, adding that everyone at camp looked older, but "in, like, a good way." "Would you look at us? We're all so different. Zack [Greinke] is an award winner now, and Roy [Halladay] is a Phillie. Wow. Let's promise to make this spring training even better than last year's spring training." Despite all the emotional and professional changes many of the players had gone through in the past year, all agreed they were there to do one thing, which was pitching and catching.

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