How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

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How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

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Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Sequel-Hungry Nation Demands Production of Click II

LOS ANGELES—As the summer movie season comes to an end, hundreds of thousands of deeply disappointed moviegoers converged on Los Angeles this weekend to demand that Hollywood finally honor their wish for a sequel to the Adam Sandler comedy Click.

"When I saw no Click II on my town's multiplex marquee this summer, I felt I had to speak out," said North Carolina resident Jim McNulty, who quit his job to travel to the nation's movie capital. "And I think I speak for virtually all Americans when I say we won't rest until we find out what happens next to nutty everyman Michael Newman and his family."

The group People for the Continuation of Filmic Storylines, the largest of the many organizations in the pro- sequel grassroots movement, has so far gathered 31 million signatures from citizens for a petition mandating that Columbia Pictures, makers of Click, commence work on its sequel.

"Columbia Pictures, hear the mandate of the people!" PCFS president Holly Sparks said in front of thousands of supporters gathered outside Hollywood's ArcLight Cinemas. "All those loose ends may have been tied up neatly by the end of the first Click film, but this country has been waiting far too long for those ends to loosen once again so that they can be retied in an equally humorous fashion."

The threat of no <i>Click</i> sequel brings out the masses.

"The people of this country want to know what kind of crazy cameo Rob Schneider is going to make, and they want to know now," Sparks added to deafening cheers.

According to Sparks, 2007 has been "egregiously lacking" in sequels, only providing movie-continuation fans with the films Spiderman 3, Shrek the Third, Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End, Live Free or Die Hard, Ocean's 13, The Bourne Ultimatum, Hostel: Part II, Evan Almighty, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Rush Hour 3, Resident Evil: Extinction, Mr. Bean's Holiday, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, and the follow-up to 2003's Daddy Day Care, Daddy Day Camp.

"This summer was a tentative step in the right direction, but we have much, much further to go," Sparks said.

PCFS, which is credited with catalyzing the soon-to-be-released films John Rambo and National Treasure: Book of Secrets, submitted a 30-page document to Columbia executives stipulating that Click II be set in Hawaii, star Queen Latifah as an antagonist with a more powerful remote than Sandler's, and feature an ending that clearly hints at a third Click movie.

"At the very least, they must bring back that same hot jogger girl, but this time Sandler uses the remote's super-slow-motion button when she bends over," demonstrator Liz Ivory said. "That would be hilarious because everyone would recognize that as a similar joke from the first film. It's what America needs."

According to polls conducted at the nation's movie houses, an overwhelming majority also want to see "what's her face" return as Sandler's wife, and Christopher Walken reprise his role as Morty, saying his character had some "pretty funny" quirks and lines they would enjoy watching him perform again in the exact same way. More than half said the comedic scenario they would most like to see play out in a Click sequel would be Sandler's device gaining the ability to mute multiple things at the same time.

"In Click we found out what happens when you have a universal remote that controls the universe, but we have absolutely no idea what happens when that same universe has three to five additional characters, including a troublemaking young boy, and the protagonist gets a new job with new, more frustrating challenges," Kansas City, MO resident Kyle Ritenour said. "Also, America wants to know what the original Click would have been like with twice the budget and twice the CGI."

Filmgoers also say that Click II will be a welcome reprieve from such new releases as No Reservations and Superbad, which have forced audiences to become acquainted with totally new and unfamiliar characters.

"When I go to the movies, I just want to sit back and escape to a familiar world where everything makes sense and the only thing that changes is whether or not the lead actor decided to grow a beard for the second film," movie fan and frequent commenter Steve Klein said. "Other than that, I don't care what happens."

"Why didn't they shoot the second movie while they were shooting the first?" Klein added. "It would have saved everyone a whole lot of trouble, and would have kept me satisfied until the release of Saw IV, Alien vs. Predator 2, and the sequel to Spider-Man 3."

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