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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Serial Killer Remembers Neighbors As Quiet, Unsuspecting

DOTHAN, AL—Arrested Monday in connection with a 17-month killing spree that claimed the lives of 23 people, alleged serial killer Henry Wayne Vaughn recalled his numerous neighbors as "quiet and unsuspecting." "The Blaines were nice people who pretty much kept to themselves," Vaughn said of Michael and Meredith Blaine, a young couple who lived across the street from the serial killer until their deaths on Oct. 9, 1998. "They always seemed very cordial and extremely trusting." Vaughn also fondly remembered the neighborly spirit of the Baggios of Juniper Street. "I paid their kid to mow my lawn once," he said, "and after that it was as if we were old friends." Vaughn also praised his postman as extremely polite and helpful, noting, "He'd come right into your basement if you said you needed help reaching something."

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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