adBlockCheck

Local

Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
End Of Section
  • More News

Serial Killer Thinking Of Interesting Ways To Incorporate Social Media

Local serial killer Peter Guiles says he is working hard to carve out a strong social identity for himself online.
Local serial killer Peter Guiles says he is working hard to carve out a strong social identity for himself online.

OLYMPIA, WA—Citing a need to stand out from the crowd and further his brand, local serial killer Peter Guiles told reporters Tuesday that he has been working on several new and exciting social media strategies as a means to promote himself and his future slayings.

“Given the sheer amount of digital ‘noise’ that internet users are bombarded with every day, I really have to think creatively about the ways in which I market my work and my identity socially so as to generate the maximum amount of buzz,” said Guiles, 43, who has killed nine women in the Pacific Northwest area dating back to 2011. “The genius of platforms such as Twitter and Facebook, of course, is their instant reach, but the key is really knowing how best to tap into that reach without oversaturating yourself.”

“Like, I could tweet threats and clues as to my next victim all day long, but it might not have the same sharability of one great twitpic of me cutting out some woman’s spleen,” Guiles continued. “You see what I mean? It’s all about having an original voice.”

Saying that “the name of the game is networking without seeming like you’re networking,” Guiles confirmed to reporters that he has already developed a number of strategies he hopes will dramatically bolster his digital brand, including Instagramming photos of cleavers and attempting to start a Twitter conversation with actress Anna Kendrick in which he informs her he just killed and ate a woman whole.

While acknowledging that serial killing was a crowded field, with “everybody trying to be the next Berkowitz or Bundy,” Guiles stated that he believes his embrace of new technologies and his willingness to do whatever it takes to “put himself out there” will ultimately set him apart from other deranged murderers in the area where it counts most: digital.

“The reality is, it’s 2013 and I can’t expect my murders to get the engagement they deserve by relying on the same old avenues for promotion—anonymous letters to newspapers, severed toes sent to local police stations, that kinda thing,” Guiles told reporters. “And look, I admit, I can be a little shy about self-promotion. It’s not in my nature, really. But if you truly care about slaughtering humans and you want to share your work with as many people as possible, then you just gotta push past that hesitation.”

“Thankfully, I already have a fairly established brand to build off of,” Guiles said, referring to his tendency to remove his victims’ fingers before he has sex with them. “So that helps.”

After explaining to reporters that he does make an effort to “switch off” from time to time, especially when he’s spending time with one of his victims, Guiles confirmed that staying active and relevant on social media was, in a sense, a full-time job, one that requires constant care as well as a strong sense of whatever the latest cultural trends and directions might be.

“In this day and age, you have to be constantly on the cutting edge and working all the angles or people are simply going to stop caring—that’s the cold, hard truth of it,” Guiles said, adding that the time it takes for one grisly mutilation and stabbing to disappear from the Twittersphere is mere minutes. “And that’s why you always have to be an early adopter of new platforms. Just think: All it takes is six seconds for me to snap a person’s neck. What else takes six seconds? A Vine.”

“So, you see, it’s all about leveraging new media, really,” Guiles added to reporters, before producing a paring knife, lopping off his own genitals, and posting a picture of it to his Flickr stream.

At press time, Guiles had checked himself and local woman Jennifer Vaughan into Capitol State Forest on Foursquare.

More from this section

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close