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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Series Of Grave Errors Results In Jeff And Kim's 5th Anniversary

ORLANDO, FL—A lengthy succession of grievous and utterly miscalculated errors resulted in the 5th anniversary of local couple Jeff and Kim Cuthbert’s wedding, sources confirmed today. “At this point, we can only blame years’ worth of lamentable and fundamentally flawed judgment—primarily on the part of not only Jeff and Kim, but also their friends and family—for today’s 5th anniversary,” said marital expert Simon Hatter, explaining that the anniversary is ultimately the culmination of many calamitous errors, including the couple’s 2006 introduction when they excitedly believed they “hit it off,” their 2007 engagement, and their doomed 2008 wedding. “It’s also safe to say that the series of mishaps continues every single day Jeff and Kim eat dinner together without making eye contact and silently lie in bed together.” Hatter explained the sequence of mistakes will likely continue through the births of Jeff and Kim’s two children in 2014 and 2017, but that a faint glimmer of hope will emerge briefly during their 2023 trial separation.

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