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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Series Of Grave Errors Results In Jeff And Kim's 5th Anniversary

ORLANDO, FL—A lengthy succession of grievous and utterly miscalculated errors resulted in the 5th anniversary of local couple Jeff and Kim Cuthbert’s wedding, sources confirmed today. “At this point, we can only blame years’ worth of lamentable and fundamentally flawed judgment—primarily on the part of not only Jeff and Kim, but also their friends and family—for today’s 5th anniversary,” said marital expert Simon Hatter, explaining that the anniversary is ultimately the culmination of many calamitous errors, including the couple’s 2006 introduction when they excitedly believed they “hit it off,” their 2007 engagement, and their doomed 2008 wedding. “It’s also safe to say that the series of mishaps continues every single day Jeff and Kim eat dinner together without making eye contact and silently lie in bed together.” Hatter explained the sequence of mistakes will likely continue through the births of Jeff and Kim’s two children in 2014 and 2017, but that a faint glimmer of hope will emerge briefly during their 2023 trial separation.

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