adBlockCheck

Local

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
End Of Section
  • More News

Series Of Grave Errors Results In Jeff And Kim's 5th Anniversary

ORLANDO, FL—A lengthy succession of grievous and utterly miscalculated errors resulted in the 5th anniversary of local couple Jeff and Kim Cuthbert’s wedding, sources confirmed today. “At this point, we can only blame years’ worth of lamentable and fundamentally flawed judgment—primarily on the part of not only Jeff and Kim, but also their friends and family—for today’s 5th anniversary,” said marital expert Simon Hatter, explaining that the anniversary is ultimately the culmination of many calamitous errors, including the couple’s 2006 introduction when they excitedly believed they “hit it off,” their 2007 engagement, and their doomed 2008 wedding. “It’s also safe to say that the series of mishaps continues every single day Jeff and Kim eat dinner together without making eye contact and silently lie in bed together.” Hatter explained the sequence of mistakes will likely continue through the births of Jeff and Kim’s two children in 2014 and 2017, but that a faint glimmer of hope will emerge briefly during their 2023 trial separation.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close