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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Series Of Serial-Killer Killings Rocks Serial-Killer Community

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—The recent murders of six serial killers have shaken the serial-killer community to its core, ushering in a new era of fear, suspicion, and mistrust, homicidal maniacs reported Monday.

Victims Henry "The Wrigleyville Stabber" Fisk, "Crazy" Leo Krafchek, "Hungry" Charles Osterberg, Ed "The Tennis-Court Killer" Eddy, Jane "Jackknife" Weston, and Otis Glen Ankrim.

"I can't bear this tension," said Joseph Cash Mason, dubbed "Pickaxe Pete" by the media. "I can't leave the house to kidnap a hitchhiker without wondering if I'm next. When I chain someone to the wall in my backwoods shack and torture him, I feel no pleasure, only fear for my own life. When will this madness end?"

The serial-killer killer's most recent reported victim was Henry "The Wrigleyville Stabber" Fisk, 46. Indiana state police discovered Fisk's strangled and mutilated corpse in a culvert on July 2, four weeks after he was reported missing by several concerned, anonymous serial killers.

"When 'Crazy' Leo [Krafchek] first disappeared, we just assumed he'd gone off on a tri-state killing spree or something," said Fisk's long-time friend, Chainsaw Chuck. "But when there weren't any nun killings in the news, we started to worry. Then Otis Glen Ankrim's trademark birthday slayings stopped, too. When they found Henry's body, we knew we'd never see Otis or Leo again, either."

Sources from within the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit said Fisk's body bore the same marks of torture as Krafchek's corpse, confirming their suspicions that he was murdered by the serial-killer killer.

"What kind of maniac targets maniacs?" FBI agent Karl Malloney said, flipping through stacks of graphic crime-scene photos in search of a clue. "I wish I could get into this sicko's head and figure out what makes him tick. We've got to catch this guy before another deranged maniac's life is lost."

Serial-killer leaders are encouraging serial killers to take measures to protect themselves from the unknown mass murderer. At a town-hall meeting Tuesday, the Knights Of Serial Killing introduced guidelines killers should follow until the killer-killer is caught. Their suggestions included only killing during daylight hours, restricting victims to those in one's network of friends and family, and stalking victims using the buddy system.

"This is a disgrace," Slaughtering Gary said. "We're under attack, and a set of safety guidelines is the best the community can do for us? Whenever I kill someone, people band together and form neighborhood-watch groups, send out composite drawings of my face, and install lighted walkways in all the parks. Where's the outcry now that I'm the target? Who's watching out for me?"

A chalk outline shows where police found "Crazy" Leo Krafchek's body.

Malloney said the FBI has been working around the clock to find the serial-killer killer, but it has little evidence to work with beyond a 12-page note found in Krafchek's left hook.

"Sereal [sic] killers beware," the note read in part. "The time of judgment is upon you, so make your peace and prepare for your horror. Your [sic] going to die. The lies have to end now."

"We're all scared to death," Mason said. "I'm on edge all the time. I go into my basement, and my sausage machine appears to have been moved. I can't even follow a scout troop out to Mt. Wacoca, because I'm terrified to be in the woods. Even the voice in my head is telling me to lay low for a while."

"Worst part of all is that I'm starting to take sideways glances at my friends," Mason added. "I hate this maniac for making me think such awful things about Chainsaw Chuck and Strangling Andrew."

Although the families and friends of Fisk's victims have expressed limited sympathy for the deceased serial killer, friends of the serial-killer killer's recent victim grieve their loss.

"The last time I saw [Fisk], he was sharpening his knives and saying how much he loved the sense of power he got from snuffing out senior citizens," said "Mad" Morris Lauch, The Butcher Of Bakersfield. "Henry liked to work alone, but he was always quick with a smile and a joke after he disposed of the corpse. He had a real gift for stabbing elderly people without getting caught. He had so many killings ahead of him."

"It's so sad," Lauch added. "We killers used to spend hours discussing the virtues of quicklime over sulfuric acid, or how hemp rope can hold a knot better than nylon. Now all we talk about is our dead friends."

Services for Fisk will be held at his house, after which he will be cut up and buried in the dirt floor of his crawl space.

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