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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Series Of Serial-Killer Killings Rocks Serial-Killer Community

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—The recent murders of six serial killers have shaken the serial-killer community to its core, ushering in a new era of fear, suspicion, and mistrust, homicidal maniacs reported Monday.

Victims Henry "The Wrigleyville Stabber" Fisk, "Crazy" Leo Krafchek, "Hungry" Charles Osterberg, Ed "The Tennis-Court Killer" Eddy, Jane "Jackknife" Weston, and Otis Glen Ankrim.

"I can't bear this tension," said Joseph Cash Mason, dubbed "Pickaxe Pete" by the media. "I can't leave the house to kidnap a hitchhiker without wondering if I'm next. When I chain someone to the wall in my backwoods shack and torture him, I feel no pleasure, only fear for my own life. When will this madness end?"

The serial-killer killer's most recent reported victim was Henry "The Wrigleyville Stabber" Fisk, 46. Indiana state police discovered Fisk's strangled and mutilated corpse in a culvert on July 2, four weeks after he was reported missing by several concerned, anonymous serial killers.

"When 'Crazy' Leo [Krafchek] first disappeared, we just assumed he'd gone off on a tri-state killing spree or something," said Fisk's long-time friend, Chainsaw Chuck. "But when there weren't any nun killings in the news, we started to worry. Then Otis Glen Ankrim's trademark birthday slayings stopped, too. When they found Henry's body, we knew we'd never see Otis or Leo again, either."

Sources from within the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit said Fisk's body bore the same marks of torture as Krafchek's corpse, confirming their suspicions that he was murdered by the serial-killer killer.

"What kind of maniac targets maniacs?" FBI agent Karl Malloney said, flipping through stacks of graphic crime-scene photos in search of a clue. "I wish I could get into this sicko's head and figure out what makes him tick. We've got to catch this guy before another deranged maniac's life is lost."

Serial-killer leaders are encouraging serial killers to take measures to protect themselves from the unknown mass murderer. At a town-hall meeting Tuesday, the Knights Of Serial Killing introduced guidelines killers should follow until the killer-killer is caught. Their suggestions included only killing during daylight hours, restricting victims to those in one's network of friends and family, and stalking victims using the buddy system.

"This is a disgrace," Slaughtering Gary said. "We're under attack, and a set of safety guidelines is the best the community can do for us? Whenever I kill someone, people band together and form neighborhood-watch groups, send out composite drawings of my face, and install lighted walkways in all the parks. Where's the outcry now that I'm the target? Who's watching out for me?"

A chalk outline shows where police found "Crazy" Leo Krafchek's body.

Malloney said the FBI has been working around the clock to find the serial-killer killer, but it has little evidence to work with beyond a 12-page note found in Krafchek's left hook.

"Sereal [sic] killers beware," the note read in part. "The time of judgment is upon you, so make your peace and prepare for your horror. Your [sic] going to die. The lies have to end now."

"We're all scared to death," Mason said. "I'm on edge all the time. I go into my basement, and my sausage machine appears to have been moved. I can't even follow a scout troop out to Mt. Wacoca, because I'm terrified to be in the woods. Even the voice in my head is telling me to lay low for a while."

"Worst part of all is that I'm starting to take sideways glances at my friends," Mason added. "I hate this maniac for making me think such awful things about Chainsaw Chuck and Strangling Andrew."

Although the families and friends of Fisk's victims have expressed limited sympathy for the deceased serial killer, friends of the serial-killer killer's recent victim grieve their loss.

"The last time I saw [Fisk], he was sharpening his knives and saying how much he loved the sense of power he got from snuffing out senior citizens," said "Mad" Morris Lauch, The Butcher Of Bakersfield. "Henry liked to work alone, but he was always quick with a smile and a joke after he disposed of the corpse. He had a real gift for stabbing elderly people without getting caught. He had so many killings ahead of him."

"It's so sad," Lauch added. "We killers used to spend hours discussing the virtues of quicklime over sulfuric acid, or how hemp rope can hold a knot better than nylon. Now all we talk about is our dead friends."

Services for Fisk will be held at his house, after which he will be cut up and buried in the dirt floor of his crawl space.

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