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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Serious Mitt Romney Demanding To Be Addressed As 'Mitthew' Now

SANFORD, FL—During Mitt Romney’s final campaign swing through Florida today, the Republican presidential nominee issued a stern rebuke to members of the press, insisting they use his full given name and refer to him exclusively as Mitthew Romney. “Before we go on, I need to stop and correct you on one thing—it’s Mitthew, okay?” said Romney, interrupting a reporter who had asked a question in which she referred to the candidate as Mitt. “My name is Mitthew. It always has been. Apparently people think it’s okay to be informal and call me Mitt for short, but I’ve never liked that particular nickname and would appreciate it if everyone would just use the name my parents gave me: Mitthew.” At press time, Romney had boarded his campaign jet along with his five sons, Taggothy, Joshathan, Benben, Craigory, and Matt.

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