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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Seriously Ill Yankees Fan Really Hoping It's Lou Gehrig's Disease

NEW YORK—Lifelong New York Yankees fan and construction worker Greg Snell, 44, told reporters yesterday that it would be "a great honor" if the troubling and debilitating illness currently plaguing him was diagnosed as Lou Gehrig's Disease, the fatal neuromuscular disorder named after the Yankees legend. "Let's face it, there's no way I can match what Gehrig did on the baseball field, but there's still a chance I got [ALS]," said Snell, adding that if his muscles were to gradually become smaller and weaker to the point of complete paralysis for the same reason Gehrig's did, he would consider himself the "luckiest man on the face of the earth." "I've noticed my bricklaying skills diminishing, and, because I can no longer perform at the level I am used to, I'll soon be forced to take myself out of the construction site. I can only hope it's just like Gehrig." Snell added that if he is not diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease, he will attempt drink himself to death just like Mickey Mantle.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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