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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Seriously Ill Yankees Fan Really Hoping It's Lou Gehrig's Disease

NEW YORK—Lifelong New York Yankees fan and construction worker Greg Snell, 44, told reporters yesterday that it would be "a great honor" if the troubling and debilitating illness currently plaguing him was diagnosed as Lou Gehrig's Disease, the fatal neuromuscular disorder named after the Yankees legend. "Let's face it, there's no way I can match what Gehrig did on the baseball field, but there's still a chance I got [ALS]," said Snell, adding that if his muscles were to gradually become smaller and weaker to the point of complete paralysis for the same reason Gehrig's did, he would consider himself the "luckiest man on the face of the earth." "I've noticed my bricklaying skills diminishing, and, because I can no longer perform at the level I am used to, I'll soon be forced to take myself out of the construction site. I can only hope it's just like Gehrig." Snell added that if he is not diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease, he will attempt drink himself to death just like Mickey Mantle.

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