Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Sessions Drops Pile Of Weapons In Prison Yard Before Ordering Inmates To Reduce Overcrowding By 30%

ATMORE, AL—Telling the prison’s roughly 1,000 men that “today’s your lucky day,” Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly dropped a pile of weapons in Holman Correctional Facility’s main yard Wednesday before ordering inmates to reduce overcrowding by 30 percent. “Here’s the situation—we only got room for 700, so all I’m gonna say is this: get it done,” Sessions barked into a bullhorn as a group of subordinates spilled an assortment of melee weapons including knives, lead pipes, heavy chains, and sharpened hand tools onto the cement basketball court. “I don’t care who does what or how you go about it. But going forward, if you want to be part of the Holman population, I suggest you energetically take part in today’s exercise.” Sessions went on to say that nonviolent offenders would likely be at a disadvantage but, if they were lucky, might find the single gun he placed in the pile.

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