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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Sessions Rattles Baton Along Prison Bars In Speech Vowing To Crack Down On Violent Crime

WAVERLY, VA—Saying the inmates had best listen up and listen good because he wasn’t about to repeat himself, Attorney General Jeff Sessions rattled his baton along a line of prison bars in Sussex 1 State Prison Wednesday as he gave a speech vowing to crack down on violent crime. “I am your new Attorney General, and it is my sworn duty to put an end to the savage lawlessness in this country, so here’s how it’s gonna be,” said Sessions, who slowly paced the walkway of Cell Block C, rhythmically slapping his truncheon into his open palm. “What’s been tried has failed, so from now on, we do it my way. We’re gonna have ourselves longer, harsher sentences, and make no mistake, I do not just mean for adults. You had all best get ready, ’cause you’re gonna have some company in those cells real soon, and they’ll be staying for a mighty, mighty long time.” At press time, an inmate who had interjected that overall violent crime rates were at historic lows was thrown into solitary confinement “from now until Judgment Day” for talking back.

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