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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Sessions Rattles Baton Along Prison Bars In Speech Vowing To Crack Down On Violent Crime

WAVERLY, VA—Saying the inmates had best listen up and listen good because he wasn’t about to repeat himself, Attorney General Jeff Sessions rattled his baton along a line of prison bars in Sussex 1 State Prison Wednesday as he gave a speech vowing to crack down on violent crime. “I am your new Attorney General, and it is my sworn duty to put an end to the savage lawlessness in this country, so here’s how it’s gonna be,” said Sessions, who slowly paced the walkway of Cell Block C, rhythmically slapping his truncheon into his open palm. “What’s been tried has failed, so from now on, we do it my way. We’re gonna have ourselves longer, harsher sentences, and make no mistake, I do not just mean for adults. You had all best get ready, ’cause you’re gonna have some company in those cells real soon, and they’ll be staying for a mighty, mighty long time.” At press time, an inmate who had interjected that overall violent crime rates were at historic lows was thrown into solitary confinement “from now until Judgment Day” for talking back.

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