Seven-Year-Old Enjoys Fun Toxic-Spill Evacuation

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Vol 35 Issue 26

Once-Cute Cerebral Palsy Poster Child Now Awkward Cerebral Palsy Teen

BELLINGHAM, WA—Area 14-year-old Brianna Angelos, who was the Cerebral Palsy Foundation's official Cerebral Palsy poster child in 1992, has developed into a gangly, awkward Cerebral Palsy teen, sources revealed Tuesday. "Nobody's asked Brianna to be on any posters for a long while now," said Karen Angelos, mother of the ungainly adolescent. "In fact, I don't think she's done a public appearance in over five years." Brianna's classmates at Westlake High School describe the teen as "introverted and unpopular."

Sports Team Defeated In Manner Befitting Its Name

CLEVELAND—A sports team's name proved eerily fitting Tuesday when, according to USA Today, the Cleveland Indians were "scalped" 11-3 by the Detroit Tigers. "We had high hopes of 'taming' the Tigers," Indians manager Mike Hargrove said following the loss. "But instead, they wound up killing us and removing our hair as a grim trophy." In other major-league contests Tuesday, the Mets hooked the Marlins, the Yankees "tore holes in" the Red Sox, and the Padres felled the Giants with nothing but courage and a tiny leather sling.

AMC Bob Hope Retrospective Ready To Go

WOODBURY, NY—American Movie Classics executives announced Tuesday that the cable network's week-long, 40-film retrospective of the films of Bob Hope is "ready to go," with "Remembering Bob Hope" graphics and hours of interview footage edited and poised to be spliced into the broadcast. "We're all set to air this uplifting tribute to one of the century's great entertainers, and will do so the second it's time," AMC president Warren Milacki said. "We're pretty much just waiting for the 'go' sign, if you follow me."

Post-Modern Condition Upgraded To Pre-Apocalyptic

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—The "postmodern" condition of alienated, disjointed late-20th-century humanity was officially upgraded to "pre-apocalyptic" Monday, when new findings from leading postmodernist theorist Richard Rorty were published in the new issue of Semiotexte. "I was flipping through the cable channels the other night, trying to get an abstract sense of the way emergent processes of change and transformation generated by contemporary high-tech society are challenging cultural assumptions regarding diverse aesthetic forms to create a novel state of history," Rorty said, "when, all of a sudden, I realized that everything I was looking at was the biggest load of unimaginably horrific crap ever." At this point in the socio-cultural discourse, Rorty said, the key question is no longer whether or not social fragmentation, cultural meta-juxtaposition and socioeconomic problematics require new modes of experience and interpretation, but rather, "When will the seven-headed dragon of the End Times descend upon us all in unholy fury?"

Clinton Gets Full Day's Relief With One Spray Of Flonase

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton breathed easier for a full day Monday after using Flonase® prescription nasal spray, White House sources confirmed. "Flonase® did not make me drowsy or keep me awake like some antihistamines and decongestants," the jubilant, decongested chief executive told reporters at a Rose Garden press conference. Clinton noted that Flonase® is non-addictive and can be used by children as young as four. "Side effects are generally mild and may include headache, nosebleed or sore throat; only your doctor or healthcare provider can determine if Flonase® is right for you," added Clinton before providing reporters with a toll-free number where additional information on the Glaxo Wellcome product can be obtained.

The Death Of John-John

Killed with his wife and sister-in-law in a plane crash July 16, JFK Jr. joins a long line of Kennedys to die under tragic circumstances. What do you think about the latest calamity to befall America's first family?

Nobody Really Understands Me

Look, I really don't have all that much to complain about. I'm well respected. I'm considered quite elegant in my own way. And, in certain circles, I'm seen as quite a romantic and mysterious set of figures. But despite all this, sometimes I still can't help feeling like no one truly understands me.
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Seven-Year-Old Enjoys Fun Toxic-Spill Evacuation

PLEASANT, OH—Lucky second-grader Donny White, 7, enjoyed the thrill of a lifetime Monday, when a full-scale emergency evacuation of his small southern Ohio town was ordered following what EPA officials are calling one of the most disastrous toxic-chemical spills in U.S. history.

Donny White

White, who reportedly giggled and clapped his hands with glee during his big adventure, was relocated along with 15,000 other Pleasant residents after a transport train derailed while pulling into the loading dock of a Global Tetrahedron chemical plant near the town's perimeter, colliding with the facility. The impact ruptured three of the building's five massive storage tanks, releasing an estimated 3.5 million cubic feet of concentrated Zardozichlorate-3 gas into the surrounding countryside.

"It was so fun!" the wide-eyed White said of his potentially fatal exposure to the toxic substance, which killed nearly $200 million in crops and livestock in a 20-mile-wide area downwind of the accident site. "We got to get out of school, and there was helicopters, and then we got to ride in an Army truck to go see Mommy and Daddy!"

Zardozichlorate-3, a synthetic chemical with both military and industrial applications, kills within seconds in concentrations above .002 parts per million. Spokespersons for Global Tetrahedron have denied any liability for the accident and are citing human error on the part of the train's crew as the cause of the deadly spill.

"The Army man even let me see his gun," said White, barely able to contain his excitement. "And there were these space-guys in shiny silver suits, with moon boots and masks like Darth Vader, and they ran around grabbing up all the kids and throwing them in the back of the Army trucks really fast!"

"Wheeeeee!" he added.

White's big day began after Pleasant Elementary School authorities found him and several classmates playing in what they described as "a big glowing mist that came down out of the sky" during recess in the school playground. Almost immediately, National Guard helicopters, mobilized just minutes prior by Ohio governor Bob Taft, arrived on the scene. Soldiers informed everyone that the school was in the path of an "airborne toxic event" and ordered its evacuation.

Toxic smoke billows from an Ohio storage tank, spelling big fun for a local 7-year-old.

"I had so much fun!" White told reporters. "I never saw a helicopter before except on TV. I counted four, just at our school. They made so much noise I had to cover my ears! It was awesome!"

As the adventure continued, White, along with several thousand others in the path of the quarter-mile-wide toxic cloud, were escorted by national guardsmen to a temporary civilian encampment and toxic-risk-assessment facility, which had been hastily assembled by emergency-response teams in the gymnasium of Abraham Lincoln Middle School in Crystal Rivers, approximately 35 miles away.

"I never slept in a gym before," said White, who received his "very own cot." "It was just like Bible camp, only bigger! Everybody from the whole town was there: the baker-man, the mail lady... even Old Widow Shanahan and Pastor James!"

At the encampment, everyone who had been exposed to the toxin was placed under immediate quarantine and given a battery of tests to determine their exact level of exposure. Individuals determined to be at the highest risk received a series of emergency injections and treatments, which medical authorities hope will minimize the potential effects of exposure, which include difficulty breathing, pancreatic dysfunction and long-term damage to the nervous system.

Because of his direct exposure to danger-level concentrations of the toxin, White was given what he called "extra-special treatment" at the emergency bivouac. He was permitted to skip ahead in line, go behind the "emergency personnel only" barricades, and talk directly to medical response teams—privileges the other children were denied.

"There were all these big shiny machines, like in Star Wars," White said. "And I got to lie down in this one really cool one that spins around upside down, so the doctors could check my brain. It was the best! Timmy and Jessica didn't even get to ride on it, but I did because I was in the special red-wristband group!"

In addition to his special "maximum-toxicity risk" wristband, White received a cookie, juice, a baseball, a catcher's mitt, a massive dose of anesthetics and a special radioactive dye, which was injected into his tiny skull.

"All the nice doctors and nurses said I was at the top of their list," White said. "Of all the kids there, I was the one they paid the most attention to."

After passing through detoxification, White was given a series of injections hoped to neutralize the traces of Zardozichlorate-3 in his bloodstream, shots he claimed "didn't hurt a bit." He was then reunited with his parents in the main area of the gymnasium, where he played Wiffle ball with friends and got to sleep in a special Army-issue sleeping bag while waiting for EPA clearance to return home.

"I had the best time ever," White said. "It was lots better than when we went to visit Grandma in Idaho. Everything was great except for when Mommy was crying. But I didn't cry. I wasn't a fraidycat, I was brave!"

The cloud dispersed within 72 hours, bringing White's funtime to a close. "I was sad to leave," he said, "but maybe, if I wish really hard, there will be another tog-sick vent someday, and we can all come back and do it again!"

Doctors said that despite White's direct exposure to Zardozichlorinate, there is "a strong chance" he will not develop a degenerative nerve disorder.

"He's shown no symptoms as of this time," said Col. Matheson Hardaway of the U.S. Army Medical Corps. "That's a good sign considering the fact that all the livestock we examined seemed to have died within seconds."

Should he survive into adulthood, White, inspired by his experience, said he wants to become an emergency rescue worker. "Either that, or else I'll be a scuba diver," the smiling child said, "and swim under the sea, like Aquaman!"

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