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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

EDMOND, OK—With only a handful of desktop icons and a grainy image of a man in a suit to go by, students in Mrs. Patchke’s seventh-grade biology class scrambled to piece together their teacher’s home life before her PowerPoint presentation opened and covered the screen, sources reported Thursday. “Whoa! Okay, that had to have been a shot of her husband, but the program launched too quickly to get a good look, not to mention the fact that the picture was also covered in a bunch of random Word docs,” said Kaitlyn Sang, 12, who reportedly had just enough time to ascertain from a minimized iTunes window that her instructor listened to music of some sort. “But where are the kids? Maybe there’s a photo of them, but it’s covered by the calendar window—which I think was on June. Is she planning a vacation? That would make sense because she’ll be on break for the summer. Jesus, we’re just barely scratching the surface here.” At press time, an on-screen alert revealed that a mysterious user named Bruce had signed into Skype, setting off a whole new round of frenzied speculation.

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