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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

EDMOND, OK—With only a handful of desktop icons and a grainy image of a man in a suit to go by, students in Mrs. Patchke’s seventh-grade biology class scrambled to piece together their teacher’s home life before her PowerPoint presentation opened and covered the screen, sources reported Thursday. “Whoa! Okay, that had to have been a shot of her husband, but the program launched too quickly to get a good look, not to mention the fact that the picture was also covered in a bunch of random Word docs,” said Kaitlyn Sang, 12, who reportedly had just enough time to ascertain from a minimized iTunes window that her instructor listened to music of some sort. “But where are the kids? Maybe there’s a photo of them, but it’s covered by the calendar window—which I think was on June. Is she planning a vacation? That would make sense because she’ll be on break for the summer. Jesus, we’re just barely scratching the surface here.” At press time, an on-screen alert revealed that a mysterious user named Bruce had signed into Skype, setting off a whole new round of frenzied speculation.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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