Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

EDMOND, OK—With only a handful of desktop icons and a grainy image of a man in a suit to go by, students in Mrs. Patchke’s seventh-grade biology class scrambled to piece together their teacher’s home life before her PowerPoint presentation opened and covered the screen, sources reported Thursday. “Whoa! Okay, that had to have been a shot of her husband, but the program launched too quickly to get a good look, not to mention the fact that the picture was also covered in a bunch of random Word docs,” said Kaitlyn Sang, 12, who reportedly had just enough time to ascertain from a minimized iTunes window that her instructor listened to music of some sort. “But where are the kids? Maybe there’s a photo of them, but it’s covered by the calendar window—which I think was on June. Is she planning a vacation? That would make sense because she’ll be on break for the summer. Jesus, we’re just barely scratching the surface here.” At press time, an on-screen alert revealed that a mysterious user named Bruce had signed into Skype, setting off a whole new round of frenzied speculation.

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