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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Seventh-Graders Still Undecided On Disparaging Name For Mr. Hyslop

ROME, GA–After several weeks of deliberation, a high-ranking coalition of Rome Middle School seventh-graders remains undecided on what derisive nickname should be assigned to earth-science teacher Mr. Hyslop. "We are giving serious consideration to 'Mr. Hy-snot,'" coalition spokesperson Michael Kraft, 13, told reporters Tuesday, "but the name has yet to win the support of the majority." Other names being considered include "Mr. Hog-slop," "Mr. Zit-pop" and "Mr. Ass-plop."

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