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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Several NBA Teams Interested In Shaq As A Person

NEW YORK—Officials from the Hawks, Celtics, and Heat expressed interest in Shaquille O'Neal as a person Wednesday, confirming league rumors that they believed the free agent center would be highly suitable for a long-term friendship. "We have made contact with Shaq's camp and have told his people that we would love for him to meet with us, and just hang out and stuff," said Atlanta Hawks president Bob Williams, adding that he was impressed with O'Neal's passion and the sense of humor he displayed in Cleveland. "Our scouts feel that even after all these years, Shaq can still contribute in small ways, especially at parties and informal get-togethers. Say what you want about him, but he's the kind of guy you want to call up and watch a basketball game with." O'Neill told reporters he's ready to make a commitment to friendship for $8 million per year.

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