Several Probably Killed In Shooting, Lazy Police Report Confirms

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Vol 46 Issue 01

Colts To Rest Starters For First Game Of Playoffs

INDIANAPOLIS—At his weekly press conference Monday, Colts head coach Jim Caldwell announced that he will rest key starters during the divisional round of the AFC playoffs to keep his players fresh for a Super Bowl run.

Man Gets Life In Order For 36 Minutes

JACKSONVILLE, FL—"It was nice to get some chores out of the way," Terry Oberlin told reporters later, acknowledging that for more than half an hour he experienced no regrets, despair, or frustration of any kind. "Felt really good."

Chris Johnson

This blisteringly quick Titans running back just set the NFL's single-season total yardage record. Is he any good?

Scandalous Coach Firings

Mike Leach's departure from Texas Tech was a spectacle, but it wasn't the first unusual firing in sports history. We look at other notable incidents.
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Several Probably Killed In Shooting, Lazy Police Report Confirms

AKRON, MI—According to a hastily written police report, anywhere from several to half a dozen people were killed at some point Monday in what officers described as a tragic shooting or stabbing of some kind. "It was hard to get an exact body count, because the ambulances were obstructing our view, and we were in kind of a hurry to make our dinner reservation," wrote Sgt. Ken Morris, who in his description of the scene stated that, from where he was standing, a couple of victims appeared to have been killed execution style. "But if I had to guess, my gut tells me maybe about five people were shot." At press time, details from the one person who witnessed the crime were unavailable, as Morris gave up on the interview when his pen ran out of ink.

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